Andy's Quote File
!GO HOM-9
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981.
"ALL the facts about you are insults!"
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
"Dogs and cats". Never "cats and dogs". Dogs are always first.
"Murder" is only an ugly word invented to describe a specific type of death.
"Never" is about six months.
"Once and for all" is usually not quite the end.
"Very funny, Scotty... now beam down my clothes."
"What's 'kinky'?" "I'll show you in a minute."
"When SysAdmins Attack!" This Sunday, on Fox.
#define sysop GOD; #define reality NULL
%SYSTEM-W-TMNYFNGRS, too many fingers on keyboard
'C' combines the flexibility of assembly with the power of assembly.
'Good Morning' is a contradiction in terms.
'Not a morning person' doesn't even begin to cover it.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
*** This line intentionally left justified ***
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
... and I thought phrenology with a ball-peen hammer was a dying art!
... and when he had put out both his eyes, he kinda wished he hadn't...
... another smooth escape disguised as a dramatic exit.
...and she'll haff fahr'n, fahr'n, fahr'n till her daddy takes the Jetta away!
...and she'll have fun, fun, fun 'til her daddy takes the broadsword away...
...and we'll go con con con'ning 'til our daddy takes the Spock ears away...
/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can.
1.79x10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
11th commandment: Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
186,000 mps -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
186,000 mps -- it's not the law, it's just a challenge.
2 + 2 = 5 for moderately large values of 2.
2 + 2 now equals 5.1578423. Please recalibrate your equipment accordingly.
2 days without a human rights violation!
2.817x10^10 footlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
2.998x10^10 cm/sec -- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
24 hours in a day; 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? You decide.
3 x 10E8 M/S -- It's not just a good idea; it's the law.
355/113 -- not the famous irrational pi, but an incredible simulation!
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
5 yards penalty for roughing the mouse.
668 -- the neighbor of the beast.
90% of everything is crud.
900 years ago I couldn't spell transcendant parahuman deity; now I are one.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
<---- The information went data way. ----->
@fin silly mode.
A 68 is "eat me now and I'll owe you one."
A Freudian slip may be revealing, but a Jungian slip is just a mythstake.
A Jew without guilt is just a Unitarian.
A Perl of wisdom will make your programs run much faster.
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that somone somewhere is having fun.
A Silly Question -- Has the whole world gone mad?
A VAX is virtually a computer, but not quite.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer -- it sings because it has a song.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
A blow on the cranium is decidedly non-conducive to literate cogitation.
A budget is something we go without to stay within.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A chat has nine lives.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and takes hours.
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
A cynic's work is never done.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
A diamond is only a diamond when you cut it.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A dog is a dog unless he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog.
A dollar's a bad boss, and dying is a bad fear.
A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.
A flying saucer is the result of a nudist spilling his coffee.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A fool delights in airing his own opinion, rather than understanding others.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
A gleekzorp without a ternpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of)
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
A good pun is it's own reword.
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always count on Paul.
A guy shouldn't make promises to himself; he winds up having to keep them.
A hard man is good to find.
A heap is just a stack that tipped over.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
A kibble is one thousand nibbles.
A king's castle is his home.
A lack of success leads to mediocracy.
A lady loves a bold and stupid man!
A little boggling is good for the mind.
A machine becomes human when you can't tell the difference anymore.
A man should live forever or die trying.
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A man will grow tired and his soul will grow weary, living his life in vain.
A morning without coffee is like something without something else.
A narwhal is just a beluga with a party hat on.
A neat desk is the sign of a sick mind.
A nightmare is like bad food; it passes.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
A part is more than just a division of the whole.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters away from a kick in the butt.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinatee transform.
A postulate isn't a postulate if no one else knows about it.
A process cannot be understood by stopping it.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A promise is like a thick blanket, it leaves you shivering in the cold.
A radical is a man with both feet firmly planted in the air.
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
A sentence is a fine thing to put a preposition at the end of.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A signature always reveals a man's character -- and sometimes even his name.
A silver tongue, a golden touch, and a mind like a steel trap.
A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least to the end of the blackboard.
A stiff prick has no conscience.
A theory is true if it works.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense.
A true professional knows when to bend the rules.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
A watched clock never boils.
A well-known friend is a treasure.
A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
A woman is like a piano. If she's not upright, she's grand.
A woman is like a shadow. Follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows.
AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
ADA is the COBOL of the 80's.
AI hackers do it with robots.
ALIMONY IS PAYING FOR SOMETHING YOU DON'T GET!
ALl of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
AMNESIA RULES ... er ... um
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Abandon all hope, ye who PRESS ENTER here.
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.
Abandon the search for Truth. Settle for a good fantasy.
Abstention makes the heart grow fonder.
Abstinence is sexual defiance.
Abstinence makes the part go wander.
Academic infighting is vicious because the stakes are so low.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Access denied. Nyah, nyah, nyah!!!
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Acid takes the worry out of being.
Actors aren't quite human, but then again, who is?
Adequate safeguards always involve some loss of efficiency.
Adventure is worthwhile in itself.
Adversity is like a test - they both end in time.
Affection obscures sense.
Affection transcends form.
Age and treachery will always conquer youth and skill.
Age doesn't matter, unless you're a cheese.
Aha.. Pronoun trouble!
Air is the substance without which we would all exhale ourselves to death.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Alienation can be fun!
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
All I need is a place for my stuff!
All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
All actions start with a thought.
All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.
All computers wait at the same speed.
All generalizations are false... including this one.
All knowledge is contained in fandom.
All life is a conjugation of the verb "to eat".
All life is an experiment.
All men can fly, but sadly, only in one direction -- down.
All men live for life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
All my life I wanted to be someone. I guess I should have been more specific.
All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
All syllogisms have three parts; therefore, this is not a syllogism.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the best messages are horizontal.
All the world's an analog stage, and digital circuits play only bit parts.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
All wiyht... Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All you need is a cleaver, and you can do all kinds of damage.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
Almost Concious
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always remember that you are unique... just like everyone else!
Always remember to pillage before you burn.
Always try to be modest... and be damn proud of it!
Amber lies in all directions, or any.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
America -- love it or leave it.
American Non-Sequitur Society -- We don't make sense but we do like pizza!
American beer is served cold so that you can tell it from urine.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
Among animals, it's eat or be eaten. Among people it's define or be defined.
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
An egotist is a person of low taste-- more interested in himself than in me.
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An elephant may never forget, but it won't remember accurately, either.
An elf with dampened dignity can become extremely inconvenient.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
An orgasmic engineer is only a prostitute with a degree.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Anarchists unite!
Anarcho-Capitalist for sale or rent.
Anarchy -- it's not the law, it's just a good idea.
Anarchy begins at home, but it doesn't have to end there.
Anarchy rules.
And doesn't.
And now for something completely different.
And pretzels are bondage.
And they all stink.
And we went out with both lips blazing, and a pen in either hand.
Ankh if you love Isis.
Annuit coeptis. Novus ordo seclorum. (Mottoes on the seal of the U.S.A.)
Another advantage of eating your lover is no wrappers to throw away.
Another case of too many scientists, not enough hunchbacks.
Another deadline, another miracle.
Answer to half the questions in the universe -- Because she's a girl.
Any excuse to wear a sword is a good excuse.
Any given program costs more and takes longer.
Any given program, when running, it is obsolete.
Any nation which requires an army has no right to exist.
Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.
Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any sufficiently high technology is indistinguishable from doubletalk.
Any sufficiently low technology is indistinguishable from hard work.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Anything is better than nothing.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Anything you say will be distorted and used against you.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Archduke Ferdinand found alive - First World War a mistake!!
Are the commentators on Hamlet really mad or only pretending to be mad?
Are we having fun yet?
Are you sure it isn't time for a colorful metaphor?
Arms stop your shoulders from fraying at the ends.
Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid.
Artificial Intelligence? I'll be impressed when they invent artificial cunning.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
As someone once remarked to Schubert -- Take me to your Lieder.
As time goes on, the universe becomes more random.
Aside from that, Mrs. Kennedy, how was the trip to Dallas?
Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Ask Mikey. He hates everything.
Ask a stupid question and an IBM owner will come up with an answer.
Ask me -- I'm interactive.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Asking is just polite demanding.
Assassins do it from behind.
Assassins, Inc. We aim to please!
At Michigan Tech, it's PROFANE, not PROFOUND.
At any time, at any place, our snipers can nail you. Have a nice day.
At least Congress doesn't make death worse every year.
At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em -- Hate you, hate Kansas, took the dog.
Authenticity Police -- death to Spandex!
Authors rarely welcome even the most constructive of advice.
Autopsy is a dying practice.
Avide cliches like the plague -- they're a dime a dozen.
Avoid alliteration... always.
Avoid biological flatulance.
Avoid reality at all costs.
BASIC programmers don't die; they just GOSUB without RETURN.
BEEP BORP BELP BLAP
BEWARE OF THE DOG. Survivors will be prosecuted!
BFA -- Branch to False Assumption.
BREAKFAST.COM HALTED... CEREAL PORT NOT RESPONDING.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Baby for rent. Night Rate. Cheap.
Back off, man -- I'm a scientist.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
Backups? We don' need no steenking backups.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaayy....
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Bad taste is timeless.
Bagels are for everybody.
Bah! Humbug!
Balance the budget -- declare politicians a game species.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just hire taller ones?
Ban the Bomb -- save the world for conventional warfare.
Bananas are a mockery -- to be shaped that way and remain soft.
Bang! Bang! You're terminated.
Barf me out. CMS is grody to the MACC.
Batman loves Robin.
Baud. James Baud.
Be careful when you're playing under an anvil tree.
Be creative - invent a perversion.
Be excellent to each other -- and party on!
Be fruit fly and multiple.
Be good to science, and science will be good to you.
Be good; if you can't be good, forget it!
Be kind to your web-footed friends, for a duck may be somebody's brother.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Be more or less specific.
Be nice to other people. Remember, they outnumber you 5.5 billion to 1.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be original; say "yes;" everyone else says "no."
Be security conscious - 'cause 80% of people are caused by accident!
Be silent, for danger is in words.
Be sure to save your money. You never know when it might be worth something.
Beam me up, Scotty -- it ate my phaser.
Beam me up, Scotty -- the elevators don't work.
Beam me up, Scotty -- there's no intelligent life down here.
Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
Beat the 5 o'clock rush -- leave work at noon!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Because I'm the editor, that's why!
Become a perfectionist; just lower your standards.
Becoming number 1 is easier than staying number 1.
Beer and Wheaties -- The breakfast of ex-champions.
Beer drinkers make better lovers; they just don't remember it.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.
Behind our efforts, let there be found our efforts.
Being a pain in the ass is a prerogative of the creative mind.
Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
Being depressed by the poor isn't much worse than being bored by the rich.
Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
Being intoxicated is being sophisticated, but not being able to say it.
Being sexy is a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.
Being weird isn't enough.
Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
Bend over; here it comes again.
Berzerkers do it without thinking.
Best file compression around: "rm *.*" = 100% compression.
Better latent than never.
Better living through alchemy.
Better mystified than positive.
Beware of Quantum Ducks -- Quark! Quark! Quark!
Beware of affection, the great deceiver.
Beware of geeks bearing grifts.
Big JuJu, much magic, ship not go fast if not white.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Birds are entangled by their wings; and men, by their tongues.
Birth control pills are habit forming.
Black holes are where God is dividing by zero.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inhibit the earth.
Blessed be!
Blond Borgs have the same fun.
Blood is thicker than water -- and much tastier.
Blood makes the grass grow... KILL, KILL, KILL!!!
Blow your mind - smoke gunpowder.
Blue skies are quickly changed.
Body by Soloflex... Brain by Mattel.
Bombs don't kill people; EXPLOSIONS kill people.
Booga, booga, booga!
Boredom delenda est!
Born again Pagan
Born free... taxed to death.
Born to shop
Bovine male fecal matter!
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Boys marry virgins, men marry women!
Brain on vacation, body on autopilot.
Break a leg.
Breakfast in London. Lunch in New York. Luggage in Bermuda!
Breaking the law of gravity isn't painful; it's getting caught that hurts.
Bring F**K into polite usage.
Brought to you by the people who made "out of context" a household word!
Budget -- a method for going broke methodically.
Building bridges is more productive than building walls.
Bulls make money. Bears make money. Pigs get slaughtered.
Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
Bus error (Passengers dumped)
Bush's Rule of Economics -- Blood is thicker than water, but cheaper than oil.
Bushydo -- the way of the shrub.
Business is a combination of war and sport.
But I like to breathe; I'm good at it!
But is there a good way to die?
But it doesn't suck.
But this IS the simplified version for the general public!
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
Bwah-hah-hah-hah!
By God, for a moment there it all made sense...
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
By the time rules are needed, it's already too late.
Bye-bye boys! Have fun storming the castle!
C'est la vie, C'est la guerre, c'est la pomme du terre.
C'est la vie, C'est la guerre, say no more.
C'est la vie. C'est la guerre. Celery. Say no more. Say what?
C'mon down! You're the next contestant on The Price is Right!
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
CADRE -- Can't Always Develop Reliable Entities.
CANNOT FIND REALITY.SYS. UNIVERSE HALTED.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
CMS has just been recalled by IBM.
COBOL is the next best thing to coding it in binary.
COBOL programs are an example of artificial inelegance.
COBOL sucks, Pascal bytes, and assembly is a bits!
COFFEE.EXE MISSING -- INSERT CUP AND PRESS ANY KEY
CONFERENCE ON SCHIZOPHRENIA FRIDAY 12th - I've half a mind to attend.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D. C. (Y/N)?
Caffiend
Calculus sucks, but Tech blows enough to equalize the pressure.
Call it incest - but I want my mummy.
Calm down... it's only ones and zeros.
Campus Crusade for Cthulhu -- It found me.
Can we prove that everything in the universe is shrinking at a constant rate?
Can you buy anything specific at a general store?
Can't a critic give his opinion of an omelet without having to lay an egg?
Can't you feel the lonely crying in the world?
Cancer cures smoking.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
Carpe Diem -- Make your lives extraordinary.
Carpe Diem -- Seize the day.
Carpe Noctem -- Seize the night.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't teach eight cats to pull a sled.
Cats make me pro guns.
Caution -- I drive like you do.
Caution -- I was not hired for my disposition.
Cautious -- Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Cave Canem (Beware of the Dog)
Cave Felis (Beware of the Cat)
Celestial Mechanic -- inclined to be eccentric.
Celibacy is never hereditary.
Censorship XXXXX is for your own good.
Censorship can't eliminate evil; it can only kill freedom.
Certified Public Assassin
Change a life; make someone feel important.
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
Change is the only thing that's permanent.
Chaos is King, and Magic is loose in the world.
Chaos is not helpful.
Chaotic Amorals have more fun.
Chaotic Evil means never having to say you're sorry.
Character is what you are in the dark.
Chaste makes waste.
Chateau Blanc (formerly White Castle) - the latest "in" restaurant.
Chem E's make the best heat exchangers.
Child of a Looser God
Children - beat your mother while she is young!
Children have more need of models than of critics.
Children should never listen to Muzak -- too much sax and violins.
Chivalry is not dead; it's just harder to find fair maidens.
Chopped cabbage. It's not just a good idea, it's the slaw.
Christian is to Bible as Communist is to Pravda.
Christianity neither is, nor never was a part of the common law.
Christmas is a registered trademark of Marshall Field & Co.
Cinderella married for money.
Circular definition -- see circular definition.
Civil engineers must be horny; they keep laying concrete.
Civilization - the proven cure for barbarism and nerdity.
Civilized people don't necessarily choose efficiency.
Clean earth smells funny.
Clear analysis of any situation is often mistaken for pessimism.
Clever is getting out alive.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Club Med - The antidote for civilisation.
Coffee is my only REAL friend.
Cogito Egro Spud -- I think, therefore I yam.
Coito ergo sum.
Cold milk, warm backrubs, hot baths... all temperature cheer.
Cole's Law -- Finely sliced cabbage.
Collect your fee before you perform.
College is like a whore; you pay to get screwed.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
Comment withheld in the interest of world peace.
Common courtesy is a contradiction of terms.
Common courtesy is the most uncommon thing known to modern man.
Common sense is not so common among the common man.
Common sense is the layer of prejudice laid down in our minds before we are 18.
Communists do it without class.
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Compost is compost, no matter how you shovel it.
Compton cut the wave equations down to psi's.
Computer -- a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computers are not intelligent -- they only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Conciousness -- that annoying time between naps.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Conform, go crazy, or become a lawyer.
Conform, go crazy, or become a writer.
Conform, go crazy, or become an artist.
Confucius say -- A beer each day keeps the doctors away.
Confucius say -- A bookless house is unfit for a scholar.
Confucius say -- I have no time for monks resisting the carnival.
Confucius say -- Wash face in morning. Neck at night.
Confusticate and bebother these dwarves!
Conscience is a small inner voice that doesn't speak your language.
Consciousness -- that annoying time between naps.
Conservative -- one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
Conserve energy - make love more slowly.
Conserve water -- shower with a friend.
Consider yourself decked.
Consider yourself hugged.
Consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.
Continuity is so important.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Control Data -- don't let it control you.
Converts are the worst kind of bigots.
Copper built Houghton, but Michigan Tech is keeping it alive.
Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!
Correct, Boy Wonder!
Couch Potato
Couch potatoes have brain tubers.
Count Dracula your Bloody Mary is ready.
Count no man happy until he is dead.
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Courage is your greatest present need.
Cover me... I'm changing lanes.
Creature of the Night
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Cry Havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!
Cthulhu Saves -- in case he gets hungry later.
Cthulhu cthucks, but does he cthwallow?
Cthulhu cthucks.
Cthulhu for President (if you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
Cthulhu isn't really his name, he just has a speech impediment.
Cupid will strike soon - He's got the bomb!
Cupid will strike when least expected.
Cure virginity!
Cute and interesting are two different things.
DNA -- The ultimate RISC machine language.
DO IT. It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Damn fine coffee, and HOT!
Damn, I'm good!
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
David, my zipper is stuck. Can you help me with this?
Death -- It runs in the family.
Death before dishonor, but neither before breakfast.
Death has this advantage over life -- I'll never be late for anything again.
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is a genetic fault.
Death is life's final climax.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Death is lifes answer to the question "WHY?"
Death is nature's way of saying 'Howdy.'
Death is natures way of telling you to slow up.
Death is sure, but it is also final.
Death is the consequence of being alive.
Death is what gives life its meaning.
Death should not be proud; it is not as powerful as it seems.
Death to all fanatics!
Death, destruction, flames, chairs, giant poets, chirping tomato plants!
Death? Life? I never did understand Zen.
Deception is mostly a game we play with ourselves.
Definition of a LAB -- Life's A Bitch!
Definition of a mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
Definition of an upgrade: take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Delight and amaze me!
Delivery delays are not a software problem.
Democracy -- where everyone gets what the majority deserves.
Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Depressive neurosis is nothing to laugh about.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Dessert is usually a sure thing, but I don't always make it to lunch.
Dessert? I could force it if someone else was paying for it.
Destroyed specimens are forgotten specimens.
Deterministic Chaotic Physicist
Did Washington ever just flash a quarter for his ID?
Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Digression is the better part of valor.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians.
Diplomacy -- the art of letting someone have your own way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie!" until you can find a rock.
Disclaimer -- It's just my Tourette's Syndrome acting up again.
Disclaimer -- My views are only my own, even if they are right.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Disk crunch - please clean up.
Distrust is usually mutual.
Do Not Disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the first place.
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do dyslexic devil worshipers sell their souls to Santa?
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
Do not disturb -- I'm disturbed enough already.
Do not piss off the NewsAdmin, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Do not shake hands with your enemies.
Do nothing; stick your thumb in your mouth and switch your mind into neutral.
Do or do not... there is no try.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Do unto others.
Do we know that life has a cause?
Do what I mean, not what I say!
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Do what you can with what you have where you are.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Do you want me to take him out back and shoot him?
Do you wear ventilated trousers?
Do, or do not. There is no try.
Does anyone have any questions? Any answers? Anyone care for a mint?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Does he need batteries, or does he run on his own energy?
Does science tell us everything?
Does the lateral coital position mean having a bit on the side?
Does the noise in my head bother you?
Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
Dogs come when called. It's hell on the carpet.
Dogs think they're Man's Best Friend but cats know better.
Doing strange things in the name of art.
Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
Dominus Vobiscum.
Don't Panic!
Don't Panic! It's all right. Everything is going to be just ... fine.
Don't abandon hope -- your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
Don't ask me - I don't believe in fortunes.
Don't be afraid to take big steps. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't bet on an inside straight.
Don't build more nukes 'til we use the ones we have.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Don't call up what you can't put on hold.
Don't choke on restrained laughter.
Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own.
Don't crush that dwarf; hand me the pliers.
Don't cry for me, Argentina.
Don't destroy the world in the first chapter -- you'll find you need it later.
Don't do it in a Datsun.
Don't do it in the street; it'll frighten the horses.
Don't drink and drive; you might hit a bump and spill it.
Don't drink and park; accidents cause people.
Don't eat yellow snow.
Don't find fault; find remedy.
Don't follow me; I'm lost.
Don't get involved; just get laid!
Don't get too close to people; you'll catch their dreams.
Don't go mistaking paradise for a pair of long legs.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'til noon.
Don't judge a man only by the caliber of his gun.
Don't just stand there, buy something!
Don't keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
Don't knock the wages of sin; they're tax free.
Don't laugh; it's paid for.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
Don't let the serious ideas get you down.
Don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
Don't listen to what I say; listen to what I mean.
Don't look a gift computer in the disk drive.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
Don't mind me... I'll just bleed.
Don't mock the insecure.
Don't never interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
Don't piss off the large one in the corner.
Don't play with your food until after you've eaten all your toys.
Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.
Don't put all your hypes on one home page.
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today.
Don't rush me! I'm dawdling as fast as I can!
Don't shoot - I don't want to be president!!
Don't sit on any small animals.
Don't squat with yer spurs on!
Don't start comparing yourself to me; it'll just make you crazy.
Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent.
Don't take me literally.
Don't tease if you don't aim to please.
Don't tell ME what kind of day to have!
Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't tell me you've lost ANOTHER submarine?
Don't touch my nips.
Don't try too hard for love - it scares easy.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Don't use force; use a bigger hammer.
Don't walk on your own feet.
Don't waste your time on one who does not desire you.
Don't worry -- Cthulhu LIKES your sense of humor.
Don't worry about it being bull; does it work?
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
Don't worry. Be happy.
Don't you know that Vienna waits for you.
Draft beer, not people.
Dragonriders do it in between.
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding!
Drinking would not be the same without Michigan Tech.
Drive carefully; 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Drugs make the world go 'round -- and up and down and sideways.
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.
Duct tape makes friends better friends.
Dum Vivimus Vivamus!
Dump out alcohol? That's alcohol abuse!
Dying is the only thing everyone has in common.
Dyselxics untie!
Dyslexic Christians sell their souls to Santa.
Dyslexics have more fun.
Dyslexics of the world, untie! Together we can trip up the world.
E = mc squared + 3d6
E Pluribus Modem
E-mail returned to sender; insufficient voltage.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends!
Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.
Earthquake predicters are fault finders.
Eat Doritos and live forever; anything with that many preservatives can't die.
Eat honey; a hundred million bears can't be wrong.
Eat the Rich! The poor are tough and stringy.
Eat when hungry, drink when thirsty, hack whenever.
Eating -- One of life's greatest pleasures.
Eating is a process of mergence.
Eating is relevant.
Econoboxes -- The four letter word of the '80s.
Economy makes men independent.
Eggheads of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your yoke!
Egotist -- A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
Einstein was probably one of them.
Electromagnetic waves are nature's way of doing 69.
Electrons -- It just doesn't matter!
Eleemosynary deeds have their incipience intramurally.
Elevators are for ME majors.
Eloi, eloi, lama sabatatini!
Email returned to sender... insufficient voltage.
Emotions are logical in a vague sense.
Employ the vernacular.
Encouragement is one thing; cattle prods are quite another.
End rush-hour traffic now! Legalize vehicular weaponry.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Engineering -- How to get more out of less -- creatively.
English papers are a bitch, too.
Enjoy a good laugh - go to work on a feather!
Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Entertainment is just talking louder than the audience.
Entropy is going to have to fight me every step of the way!
Entropy is the force that tries to make the universe look like my bedroom.
Entropy is what happens when the universe doesn't pay its electric bill.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Entropy requires no maintenance
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Eschew obfuscation -- avoid confusion.
Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
Et cum spirituo tuo.
Eternal nothingness is okay if you're dressed for it.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
Euclid was a square.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Even God seems to have a sense of humor.
Even Napoleon had his Watergate.
Even a cabbage may look at a king.
Even a friendly smile shows the teeth behind.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even if I'm not asleep, that doesn't mean I'm awake.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Even primitive weapons can do harm.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Even the most outrageous statement is partially true.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Even the wind has a multitude of voices.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press?
Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?
Ever try to buy a decaffeinated coffee table?
Every Spam is sacred.
Every being shall have its day.
Every country has the government it deserves.
Every line a straight line, every pause a song cue.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Every poem is a sliver of someone's ego.
Every program is part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Every road has potholes.
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
Everybody ought to have a maid.
Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
Everybody talks about reality, but nobody does anything about it.
Everyone has a good side, especially when they're dead.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.
Everyone has good habits and qualities; too bad they cover them up with the bad.
Everyone has something to say about death.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege.
Everyone is entitled to my own opinion.
Everyone needs to believe in something . . . I believe I'll have another beer.
Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.
Everything I say can stand on its own two faces.
Everything can leave bruises, if properly used.
Everything causes cancer.
Everything else being equal, the side with the simplest uniform wins.
Everything in general; nothing in particular.
Everything in the universe is packaging, big toys, or meat.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
Everything is psychological if you think about it.
Everything is unimportant in some way.
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Everywhere you leak, the world hangs a bucket.
Evil Mentalist -- I think, therefore you aren't.
Evolution -- life's a niche and then you die.
Evolution is working backwards; stupid people aren't using birth control.
Evolution sounds OK, but I'd rather keep my options open.
Eww, ick, D.M.!
Exaggeration is a billion times more annoying than understatement.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt driven.
Excuse me if you were too soft to please.
Excuse me while I change into something more formidable.
Excuse me, we prefer the term "corporeally challenged".
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
Expect speed form Amiga, not ACS.
Experience does not always lead to wisdom.
Experience is more important than mileage.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Experiencing is not just being a passive observer.
Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.
Extreme good-naturedness borders on weakness of character. Avoid it.
FOR THOSE WHO THINK LIFE IS A JOKE - JUST THINK OF THE PUNCHLINE!!!!
FORD -- Found On Road Dead.
Fabricatus Cipangu.
Fabricatus Unum Statius Americanum.
Failure is NOT an option!
Fame! I wanna live forever!
Famous last words: Don't unplug it -- it'll take just a moment to fix.
Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
Famous last words: Gimme a match, I think I'm out of gas.
Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires toget--
Fandom -- not your ordinary elite.
Fandom isn't a matter of life and death; it's much more important than that.
Fantasy is a crutch for people who can't handle soap operas.
Fantasy isn't our crutch, it's arcane.
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Fashion should be a statement, not a question.
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
Fear doesn't overwhelm you; you let fear overwhelm you.
Federal tax and extortion fees not included.
Feelings don't have to be right or wrong; they just are; that's it.
Females and their baskets made us human.
Few things are more dangerous than a hobbit with low blood sugar.
Few women admit their age; few men act theirs.
Fierce and competitive mechwarrior, my big white ass.
Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches/second.
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
Finiteness has its virtues.
Firm is always better than soft.
First generation Trekker 6609.08
First in peace, first in war, Fuerstenberg.
First you blow, then you lick, then you put it in the box.
First you open the book, then you fall inside.
Fiscal green goes well with anything.
Fiscal green will cover anything.
Fix the problem, not the blame.
Flat Mars Society
Flexibility is the key.
Floppy now, hard later.
Flying is easy; you just beat the air into submission.
Food shouldn't have guts.
For Sale -- Parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain.
For all you do, this Bud's for me!
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
For no childhood should be without a train.
For the women at Tech, the odds are good, but the goods are kind of odd.
For this I went to college?
For this problem, we'll have to call in our crack team of trained solipsists.
For those who like peace and quiet -- a phoneless cord.
For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
Forewarned is forarmed, but four arms do not great feets make.
Forewarned is half an octopus.
Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Forget it; it's quicksand; get out while you can.
Formal party tonight - shoes are required.
Former Fetus for Choice
Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has been fixed.
Forty-three, or not forty-three; that is the question.
Fractals -- what you see is what you wait for.
Fraternities make me pro nepalm.
Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
Freedom of speech includes volume.
Freedom, immortality, and the stars!
Freshmen EE's are dangerous; they think they know what they're doing.
Fried but surviving...
Friends are for baking.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friendship must be willing to risk, or it is not friendship.
From each according to his ability. (Karl Marx c. 1850)
Fun Guy from Yuggoth
Fun is just point of view.
Fundamentalists are what used to be known as Scribes and Pharisees.
Fundamentalists do it by the Book.
Further mocking bon of a sitch, go in your own jackyard and back off!
Fuzzy teeth are common around here.
GOode spEliNG CimbolizES goOd FORcHUNE.
Gamble if you want to win.
Garbage in; Gospel out.
Gee, do I get any shopping money?
Gene Police -- YOU! Out of the pool!
Gene Roddenberry, Isaac Asimov, Jim Henson, Dr Seuss, Mel Blanc ... Sigh ...
Generally speakin', fancy titles and nightshirts are a waste of time.
Generally, you ain't learnin' nothin' when your mouth is a-jawin'.
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
Genetically perfect but morally crippled...
Genitals prefer blondes.
Genius has limits. Stupidity knows no bounds.
George Orwell was an optimist.
Get busy with that knot in the end of your spinal cord.
Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Get in; get on; get down; get off; get up; get dressed; get out.
Get it right, you're a star. Get it half-right, you're a gas giant.
Get out of my reality!
Get thee down. Be thou funky.
Girls don't make passes at guys who are asses.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Give me a straight line and I'll bend it for you.
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give me that REAL old-time religion -- Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter...
Give your child mental blocks for christmas!
Global Village Idiot
Go Lemmings Go!
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.
Go soothingly in the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon.
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
God is an atheist.
God is an iron.
God is love -- but get it in writing.
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
God must be schizoid.
Gods are greater than man, not nicer.
Gods are not to be questioned, but loved, honored, and obeyed.
Good luck -- A contradiction of terms.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Good sex is great; bad sex is still pretty good.
Gotta' learn to take the bad with the good.
Government -- What the society is, was, and wishes to be.
Grad School -- it's not a job, it's an indenture.
Grad school is the snooze button on the alarm clock of life.
Grades take the fun out of courses.
Graduate of the Mad Max School of Defensive Driving
Grass is nature's way of saying "HIGH!"
Gratitude is a shadow; try to catch hold of it and it slides away.
Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity always gets me down.
Gravity isn't MY fault; I voted for velcro.
Gravity works on babies, too.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Great spirits have always encountered violent oppostion from mediocre minds.
Great! First I get stabbed; then I'm bleeding!
Gresham's Law -- Bad money drives out the good money.
Gresham's Law -- Crass always triumphs over class.
Gresham's Law -- Professionalism drives out brilliance.
Gross anatomy -- it isn't just for breakfast anymore.
Guard the Mysteries -- constantly reveal them.
Guests who kill talk show hosts... on the last Geraldo.
Guys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.
H. R. Munro is a wry swine.
Hackers do it with bugs.
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
Hacking is a conversational black hole.
Hail Eris! All hail Discordia!
Hail to the Sun God! He is the Fun God! Ra! Ra! Ra!
Hairy Kiwi -- Death by fruit.
Hakuna Matata!
Half of all doctors graduated in the bottom half of their class.
Half of man's brain is programmed for catastrophe.
Half the people you know are below average.
Handicapped is not helpless.
Hands are man's only difference.
Happiness is a Tardis with a working dematerialization circuit.
Happiness is filling a warm bed.
Happiness is mandatory.
Happiness is the planet Earth in your rear view mirror.
Happiness isn't getting what you want; it's wanting what you have.
Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work may not kill me, but why take chances?
Hate is NOT a family value.
Have Tardis, will travel.
Have a nice day . . . somewhere else.
Have a purpose in life; be a bad example.
Have an affair. It'll help break up the monogamy.
Have no fear. I never attack lesser beings.
Have you changed your tofu water today?
Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Have you ever experienced the exhilarating feeling of true flight?
Have you ever noticed how most assholes look like assholes?
Having a big ego means you DON'T have self-confidence.
Having a good time can be deadly.
Having sex on the computer is fun, but it leaves key marks on your butt.
He can either upload a download.
He couldn't be a twin; they'd have both died of fright at birth.
He couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
He doesn't bruise.
He doesn't drink; he doesn't swear; he doesn't have any fun at all!
He doesn't have all his Corn Flakes in the same box.
He doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
He had a fecal matter seizure when I told him.
He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice.
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
He has an intellect rivalled only by garden tools.
He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got.
He hides his true feelings; he doesn't even know them.
He is the only person I know who lights his ass on fire and then brags about it.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
He may not drink responsibly, but he takes responsibility for his drinking.
He must hate cats - he's aliased "cat" to "dog".
He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O.
He who burns his bridges had better be a damn good swimmer.
He who does not learn is the true fool.
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
He who has choice has pain.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
He who has learning without imagination has feet but no brains.
He who hesitates is dead.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who ignores the past is condemned to relive it.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He who spends a thunderstorm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
He who spitshines his bust of Plato is waxing philosophical.
He's a few beers short of a six-pack.
He's a few clowns short of a circus.
He's a few feathers short of a whole duck.
He's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
He's a few peas short of a casserole.
He's all foam and no beer.
He's an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
He's as smart as bait.
He's being a wimp about being a coward.
He's cultured; there's yeast in the bottom of his beer.
He's dead, Jean-Luc.
He's dead, Jim.
He's dead, Jim. You take his phaser, I'll get his wallet.
He's dumber than a box of hair.
He's in a minimum security prison now. They use whiffle-balls and chains.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
He's not thinking of the contents; he's thinking of the vessel.
He's supposed to sound like he's in pain; he's a folk singer.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Heaven is a gold card with no credit limit.
Hedonist for Hire -- no job too easy.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Hello. My name is Batman. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Hello. My name is Darth Vader. I AM your father. Prepare to die.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Hello. My name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Hello. My name is Oedipus. You are my father. Prepare to die.
Help a nun kick the habit.
Help me! I'm a sex junkie.
Help stamp in sex.
Help stamp out philately!
Help, help! I'm being oppressed!!
Her body was recovered, she bought a new suit of clothes.
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
Her room is just a bigger version of her purse.
Heralds don't pun -- they cant.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Hi! I can't remember your name either.
Hi! I'm a .sig virus. Join the fun and copy me into your .sig!
Hi, ho! Kermit the Borg here, and welcome again to The Assimilation Show!
High Voltage Electronics -- life's a glitch, and then you fry.
Hindsight is 20/20.
Hire a freak today!
Hire a teen-ager -- while he still knows everything.
Hire the morally handicapped.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His condition has stabilized... he's dead.
His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
His heart's in the right place, but it isn't pumping any blood.
History doesn't repeat itself; historians repeat each other.
History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up.
History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.
Hit any user to continue.
Hollow chocolate has no calories.
Home -- where you can scratch where it itches.
Home is where you hang your @.
Homosexuality is a pain in the arse.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense.
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
Hope is a psychological mechanism unaffected by external realities.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Horses don't want to race; it's the somabitches on their backs.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home -- even when you wish they were.
Houghton looks better if you're blind.
Housework can kill you if you do it right.
How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing?
How 'bout wider?
How about a little fire, scarecrow?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How can you be depressed when you're so happy all the time?
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
How close can you park to a fire hydrant factory?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One and a half.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
How precariously we float on the surface of life.
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
Howdy there! I'm Oedipus Tex! (I'm a HERO!)
Hugs are not measured by quantity; they are measured by quality.
Hugs don't feel as good on the computer.
Hugs don't feel as good on the phone.
Human beings don't live like this.
Humans wallow in guilt . . . pigs know better.
Humiliation is within you, not something visited upon you by your fellows.
Humor is emotional chaos recollected in tranquility.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
Hurt me; beat me; just don't make me wait.
I WENT THROUGH HELL!!! (Elvis says "Hi!")
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I ache in places where I used to have fun.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I always hate it when other people's fun infringes on my loneliness.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
I am Bart of Borg. Who the hell are you?
I am Bones of Borg. Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an assimilator!
I am Bugs Bunny of Borg. What's assimilated, Doc?
I am Buhwheat of Borg. Wha dub addimilated mean?
I am Captain Bligh of Borg. This is assimilation, Mr Christian, assimilation!
I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimulated.
I am DRAPERY MAN, and this is my sidekick, Venetian Blind.
I am Dan Quayle of Borg. Youe will be assimilatede.
I am Flanders of Borg. You will be assimily-limilly-lated.
I am Gallagher of Borg. Sledge-O-Matic! It slices! It dices! It assimilates!
I am George Bush of Borg. Read my lips -- No New Assimilations!
I am Hamlet of Borg. To assimilate, or not to assimilate; that is the question.
I am Harvey Fierstein of Borg. I just want to be assimilated. Is that so wrong?
I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assim... Ummm, Donuts.
I am Jimmy Swaggart of Borg. If you don't send me money, God will assimilate me.
I am JoAnn Wiedl of Borg. Assimilations go in the "Create" timetool bucket.
I am Julius Caesar of Borg. I came, I saw, I assimilated.
I am Little Caesar of Borg. Assimilate Assimilate!
I am Martin Luther King of Borg. I have an assimilation.
I am Moose of Borg. Pull my assimilator.
I am Mr. Rogers of Borg. Can you say "assimilated"? I knew that you could!
I am Penfold of Borg. Ew, ick! They're going to assimilate us, DM!
I am Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.
I am Popeye of Borg. You will be askimilgrated.
I am Porky Pig of Borg. You will be abbadi abbadi abbadi assimilated.
I am Rodney Dangerfield of Borg. Assimilate my wife, please.
I am Spock of Borg. Assimilation is not logical.
I am Tina Turner of Borg. What's assimilation got to do with it?
I am Wayne of Borg. You will be assimilated... NOT!
I am Wimpy of Borg. I will gladly assimilate you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
I am a Fundamentalist of Borg. Have you been assimilated in the name of Jesus?
I am a dreamer. I never thought it would mean hurting this much.
I am a mistake - legalise abortion!
I am an Alien of Borg. In space, no one can hear you assimilate.
I am anonymous. Help me!
I am der Svedish Chef der Burg. Prepaur do bey assimilatedey.
I am easily assimilated!
I am having an out of money experience.
I am not a happy camper.
I am not a number! I am a free numeric variable!
I am not a trained killer. I LEAD trained killers.
I am not an animal! I am a BattleTech Center employee!
I am one mhmm mhmmm servant of God.
I am simply a human being ... more or less.
I am somewhere between here and there and now and then.
I am the Chosen One... and I choose to go shopping!
I am the Imp of the Perverse. (Knowing this won't help you either.)
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
I am very flexible. I can put both feet in my mouth.
I am what I am and that's all I am.
I ask for so little... and boy, do I get it!
I ate it.
I avoid churches religiously.
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I can be whatever I wanna be; all I gotta' do is eat it.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can handle that; or at least, I'd like to!
I can overcome reason when I have to.
I can resist anything but temptation.
I can see things better if I close both eyes.
I can't be dead; I hurt too much.
I can't be late -- I just got here!
I can't be overdrawn -- I still have checks left!
I can't find love 'cause it's trapped inside.
I can't grow up. I'm too old.
I can't hear you. There's a banana republic in my ear.
I can't help myself being prejudiced against the assholes of the world.
I can't read; that's why I'm not in college anymore.
I can't say "no" to the man I love; I can't even say "no" to the men I like.
I canna change the laws of physics, Captain, but I can find ye a loophole.
I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty.
I closed one eye and I still saw two of you.
I couldn't fix your brakes, so I just made your horn louder.
I cried for the man who had no hair until I met the man who had no head.
I didn't ask for this shit, but that doesn't mean I won't try to fix it.
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat veggies.
I didn't do anything, nobody say me do it, you can't prove anything!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
I didn't know she had a last name.
I didn't know that acoustics coupled.
I do not have the life I keep shopping for.
I do not understand my soul, but I've learned to take it's advice.
I do so have a memory. It's in /usr.
I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.
I don't believe in no-win scenarios.
I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.
I don't care if I AM a lemming. I'm still NOT GOING!
I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating.
I don't delegate responsibility; I delegate blame.
I don't do work, but I have a friend who does.
I don't get even, I get odder.
I don't get mad; I get even.
I don't have an attitude problem; it's supposed to be like this.
I don't have an attitude problem; you have a problem with my attitude.
I don't have an attitude; I AM an attitude.
I don't have any solutions, but I certainly admire the problem.
I don't have burnout, but I'm slightly singed.
I don't have ulcers; I GIVE them.
I don't know which is worse -- a cat that hides or a dog that doesn't.
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
I don't like spreading rumors, but what else is there to do with them?
I don't like violence but I'm very good at it.
I don't make the rules; I just break 'em.
I don't mean to make you feel guilty, but I would if I could.
I don't mind being in touch with reality, as long as I don't have to live there.
I don't mind being in touch with reality, as long as reality wears a condom.
I don't mind getting older... I just mind that I have aging children.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
I don't miss deadlines -- I ignore them.
I don't need you, you know. I can be lonely all by myself.
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the type of person I preach to.
I don't remember volunteering for this "Ring" business...
I don't say much when I don't have much to say.
I don't subscribe to reality anymore; I let my subscription run out.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't suffer from insanity; I revel in it!
I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do.
I don't tie it in a knot for just anybody.
I don't want to be an adult; adults are boring people!
I don't want to devote my life to someone who's not me.
I don't waste my money; I invest it in ventures with high negative returns.
I don't waste time; I use it to its marginal capacity.
I dreamed I could wear a Maidenform bra. - TWIGGY
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I eat junk food to get it out of the house.
I failed all my classes but one; I passed my study skills course.
I feel extremely flammable.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fight for what I believe in. I'm a mercenary, and I believe in money.
I finally got it all together -- but then I forgot where I put it.
I flipped out years ago; I only look sane.
I forgot to take into account your two X chromosomes.
I found Jesus, and he said "Tag, you're it!"
I gave up Catholicism for Lent.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I got this body lifting weights -- 12 ounces at a time.
I grew up on Mt. Everest and everything's been downhill since.
I hate when you pull someone's leg and discover that it's spring-loaded.
I have a firm grip on reality -- by the throat.
I have a lot of respect for nature; I just don't know how much it has for ME!
I have a mind like a steel sieve.
I have a mind like a steel trap; it's rusty and illegal in 37 states.
I have a mind like a steel trap; whatever goes in gets crushed and mangled!
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
I have a new strategy. Let the Wookie win.
I have a talent for idleness which is tragically wasted by my working here.
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
I have been caller number nine and have wone the weekend passes.
I have better things to do with my time than keep track of it.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole body!
I have no humility. It's a virtue, but I can live with it.
I have not lost my mind... it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
I have two words for you... voodoo acupuncture.
I have vision, and the world's wearing bifocals.
I haven't got all night to stand in line.
I haven't killed anyone yet. Help me keep it that way.
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I heard you got a partial lobotomy; you sat on a tack.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I is a college graduate.
I judge people by what is in their hearts, not by the color of their scales.
I just got ippled!
I just got lost in thought... it was unfamiliar territory.
I just had skylights put in. The people who live above me are furious.
I just love nonverbal communication!
I knew I had some reason for not killing you... now what was it?
I knew I should have made that left turn at Albuquerque...
I know I'm a sick person. The question is whether it's charming or offensive.
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I know MY biology; it's YOUR biology I don't know.
I know UNIX, PASCAL, C, FORTRAN, COBOL, and nineteen other high-tech words.
I know it all, I just can't remember it simultaneously.
I know just the place...the Bates motel...
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
I know something you don't know... I'm NOT left handed.
I laughed, I cried, I had a moment.
I lie to myself so often I'm suing myself for libel.
I like having dual personalities, and so do I.
I like life -- it's something to do.
I like men to act like men -- strong and childish.
I like quality, not quantity.
I like the idea of an ancient race -- it makes a world feel so.. lived in.
I like the word "indolence". It makes my laziness seem classy.
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I love animals, they taste great!
I love cats, but I've never finished a whole one.
I love cats. They taste just like chicken.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy!
I love it when a plan comes together.
I love it when a pun comes together.
I love to reminisce with people I don't know.
I made it as far as the bathroom, then time stood still.
I make my own water. Two glasses of H and one glass of O.
I may be a fool, but I don't want to feel like one.
I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.
I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong.
I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
I must be dreaming that someone's trying to take my clothes off.
I must have slipped a disk. My pack hurts.
I need at least one hundred and seven.
I never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
I never learned a human language; my father spoke in High Middle Polish.
I never spit in my drink; why do you smoke in my air?
I only have two modes -- weak and strong.
I only open my mouth to change feet.
I only walk over someone if they try to trip me.
I open doors for pretty girls, and I close them for ugly ones.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I pray for boredom but it never comes.
I prefer to remain anomalous.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I refuse to be intimidated by reality any more.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
I remember him; he's face up this time.
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's.....
I shall clasp my hands together and bow to the corners of the world.
I should have known better; every happy moment in my life came from lying.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I started at the bottom . . . and I like it here.
I stayed at a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
I support everyone's right to be an idiot. I may need it myself some day.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
I tawt I taw a puddy tat. I tid! I tid!
I think I exist; therefore I exist, I think.
I think I think; therefore I think.
I think dad's fighting with the Tidy Bowl man, and he's NOT winning.
I think gravity was a mistake.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
I think that we shall always see taxes hidden as a fee.
I think the air is thin up here.
I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.
I think; therefore, I am. Am I, therefore, as I think I am?
I think; therefore, I'm single.
I thought the 13 Commandments - no, 12, no 10 . . .
I took an IQ test. It came back negative.
I tried being reasonable once; I didn't like it.
I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I try, and then ten minutes later, when I've got my breath back, I try again.
I undress Stan -- I push all the right buttons.
I used to be a fan dancer, but I kept tripping over the extension cord.
I used to be amused -- now I'm just bored.
I used to be conceited, but now I'm perfect.
I used to be disgusted -- now I'm just amused.
I used to be indecisive -- now I'm not sure.
I used to be sane... but I got better.
I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance.
I used to have a drug problem, but now I have enough money.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to think I was God. Then I got over my inferiority complex.
I used to think I was indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I vant to ve alone.
I walk to be beat of a different flugelhorn player.
I want a map of this conversation.
I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
I want to have a good time and, hopefully, not injure anybody.
I want to see how far you can get without getting very far.
I wanted to be... a lumberjack!
I was born in Iowa -- I just work in outer space.
I was only an alcoholic twice.
I was stupid, I was expendable, and here I am.
I will defend to the death everyone's right to MY opinion.
I will take great pleasure in shooting you, Solo.
I wish God would quit changing his mind.
I wish you came with English subtitles.
I won't deny you your self-pity, cause that's all the pity you're going to get.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
I wore black BEFORE it was cool.
I would live mostly unnoticed between the cracks of the world's walls.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I wouldn't hurt a fly, but only because they taste funny.
I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble.
I wouldn't mind dying. It's that business of having to stay dead that scares me.
I'd be an agnostic if I cared that much.
I'd do anything to make you happy, but you're asking too much.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd far rather be happy than right any day.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'd lose my body if my brain weren't surrounded by it.
I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.
I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.
I'd love to make up my mind, but I can't remember where I left it.
I'd offer to change your mind for you, but I don't have a fresh diaper.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I'd say I want to go home, but I don't have one right now.
I'll stop the world and melt with you.
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure!
I'll wear any color so long as it's black.
I'm Buster Borg, and.. I'm Babs Borg. No assimilation.
I'm GREAT at immaturity; I've been practicing for decades.
I'm a Zen nudist -- I'm naked in my own mind.
I'm a flying saucer pilot for the CIA.
I'm a juggler. I can drop anything.
I'm a juggler. I have balls, and I know how to use them!
I'm a law unto myself -- and I break it anyway!
I'm a misanthrope. What's your problem?
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I'm a right-brain mind in a left-brain job.
I'm a sophomore; I don't have to think.
I'm a very dangerous fellow when I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm an anarchist, especially about whatever someone ELSE is running.
I'm an artist -- please feed my creditors.
I'm apathetic and I don't care.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I'm engaged in the passive overthrow of the U.S. government.
I'm feeling argumentative. Please contradict me.
I'm feeling homicidal... say ANYTHING.
I'm glad to be a livin' in the modern Stone Age, in a new split level cave!
I'm happy; I live in a split-level head.
I'm having a deja vu experience, just like last time.
I'm here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... I'm out of bubblegum.
I'm immortal. I'm bored. Let's party.
I'm into retribution.
I'm just the standard upon which everyone else is based.
I'm killing time, wasting space, and going through a phase.
I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!
I'm never late; nothing starts without me.
I'm not a creep; I'm a wonderful person hiding inside the body of a creep.
I'm not a mercenary; killing is more of a hobby with me.
I'm not a procrastinator; I just prefer spontaneity.
I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
I'm not afraid of heights... I'm afraid of widths.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
I'm not bad -- I'm just drawn that way.
I'm not born again; my Mother got it right the first time.
I'm not breaking the rules; I'm just testing their elasticity.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic.
I'm not expendable, I'm not stupid, and I'm NOT going!
I'm not loafing -- I work so fast I'm always finished.
I'm not lost, just misplaced.
I'm not on drugs; I AM drugs.
I'm not paranoid. It's a plot by my enemies to make me LOOK paranoid.
I'm not selling out; I'm buying in.
I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm NOT gophering!
I'm not tense, just terribly alert.
I'm not unemployed -- I'm looking for the perfect job.
I'm not unfaithful; I'm just not exclusive.
I'm objective; I object to everything.
I'm off like a prom dress in May.
I'm omnipotent -- ask me how.
I'm only a closet klutz.
I'm only a hypnotist, so this is only a suggestion.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm pink, therefore I'm spam.
I'm prepared for all emergencies. But I'm totally unprepared for everyday life.
I'm screwing this cat; you just hold its tail.
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I'm so horny the crack of dawn better watch out!
I'm so sure you said way to say way.
I'm sorry, my karma ran over your dogma.
I'm stronger than most of the men I know, and they're so damned easy to hurt.
I'm surrounded by idiots!
I'm the leader. Which way did they go?
I'm the world's greatest authority on my own opinion.
I'm virgin on the edge of intercourse.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the Force.
I've been slapped by better and spanked by worse.
I've been wrestling with reality most of my life -- I'm pleased to say I've won.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I've got nothing to say. Don't make me say it twice.
I've had fun before. This isn't it.
I've had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility.
I've lost my godhead; my nose is dripping.
I've no time to prepare a profound message.
I've suffered for my art. Now it's YOUR turn!
I've worked too hard at being an asshole to change now.
IBM -- The stupidity goes in when the name goes on.
IDE -- It Dies Everytime.
IF IT MOVES, FONDLE IT!
IRS -- The Department of Redundancy Department.
IRS -- We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro', then what is the opposite of progress?
If 'if' statements had no 'then' clauses,
If ((height in inches * 2 + 15) <= weight) and personality and humor, then...
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If God had intended me to watch TV, he would have given me rabbit ears.
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
If God had meant us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If God had wanted me to be a pillow, he would have put a zipper down my side.
If God had wanted us to vote, He would have given us candidates.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
If God is omnipotent and omniscient, why did He have to look for Adam and Eve?
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
If I am sleeping, don't wake me - TAKE ME!
If I can't fix it, it ain't broken.
If I thought life was cheap, I wouldn't charge so much to take one.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
If I were any more convenient, I'd be a nuisance.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they do.
If I'm gonna' die, make it before finals.
If MOMMA ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!
If Mephistocles doesn't deliver, your soul will be gladly returned.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If a beast has but one cry, the cry tells nothing.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
If a question has not been asked, it will rarely be answered.
If a women changed her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then.
If all else fails, lower your standards.
If all else fails, read the directions.
If all else fails, survival instincts.
If all else fails, throw up.
If all else fails, x = 8.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a thumb.
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If at first you don't succeed - CHEAT!
If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely is not for you.
If at first you don't succeed, try joining the management team.
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
If guns are outlawed, how will conservatives win any arguments?
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
If he was any slower, he'd be going in reverse.
If ignorance is bliss, then why ain't I happy?!
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it doesn't have the little calorie counter on it, then it's bad for you.
If it doesn't leave marks, it's not abuse.
If it doesn't make sense, it's probably wrong.
If it doesn't work, use a bigger hammer. If it breaks, it needed fixing anyway.
If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
If it feels good, it's either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
If it looks too good to be true, it probably is.
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
If it's any of your business, it isn't really gossip.
If it's not nailed down, it's fair game.
If it's not on CD I won't buy it.
If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.
If it's not one thing, it's a BUNCH of things.
If it's old, throw it out; if you need it again later, buy a new one.
If it's stupid and it works, it ain't stupid.
If life is such a trip, then why do I keep running into the detours?
If life sucks so much, then why am I so unhappy?
If life were any more fun, I'd seriously consider suicide.
If life's a trip, then where's my ticket?
If love was an equivalence relation, the world would be a far better place.
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
If no one sees it, does the physical event occur?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If only there were some indication the universe was doing this on purpose.
If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
If people weren't sick, we wouldn't need penicillin.
If pi were 3, this sentence would look like this.
If robots can do all the work while we lay in the sun, why not let them?
If sex was like snow in the UP . . .
If someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!
If something ceased to exist when no one perceives it, we wouldn't know anyway.
If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
If space is warped, time is all that's weft.
If the government REALLY wanted us to obey the law, they would tell us the law.
If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?
If their wounds are in their backs, who shall staunch their blood?
If there is anything worse than the pain of despair, it is the pain of hope.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give?
If there's so much labor-saving machinery, why don't I have more free time?
If they can climb up this far, I'd let 'em in; they'd deserve it!
If they give you lined paper, write the other way!
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping.
If this isn't civilization, then why am I standing in a bomb crater?
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
If today was a fish, I'd throw it back in.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If we don't know it already, chances are we are not interested in learning it.
If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in learning it.
If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
If we're going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it.
If we're really determined, we'll see it the wrong way.
If we're so smart and so creative, why aren't we happier than we are?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If winning is not important, then why keep score?
If wishes were horses, there'd be hoof prints all over my hide.
If women had been meant to wear nylons, they would come in spray cans.
If words could speak, what would they say?
If work were so wonderful, the rich would keep it all for themselves.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kicking hard enough.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
If you are willing to die, you can do anything.
If you can read this, you're college material.
If you can support two contradictions, then you really DON'T know.
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
If you can't be weird, why be?
If you can't call someone you don't know an asshole, who can you?
If you can't come up with the answers, come up with the questions.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you can't dress weird, why dress at all?
If you can't fake it; fudge it.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
If you can't go first class, charge it.
If you can't handle your drunken state, don't bother attaining it.
If you can't keep it clean, at least clean it up.
If you can't keep it clean, sell movie rights.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you can't say it in public, post it on the Gallery.
If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic.
If you can't turn up the truth, turn up the volume.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
If you couldn't stand strange people, you would have killed yourself years ago.
If you did it and lived, you probably did it right.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you didn't worry about it so much, you wouldn't have so much to worry about.
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
If you don't admit it to yourself, it doesn't matter.
If you don't bet, you can't win.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't get to the middle, you ain't ever going to get across.
If you don't go there, you'll never get there.
If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.
If you don't know what color to wear, wear them all.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't like the way I drive, get out of the Batmobile.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
If you don't take chances, you don't make advances.
If you don't want something, don't let it free; for it will return.
If you don't want something, lead it on and then kill it.
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
If you find yourself between a rock and a hard place, have a good lunch first.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
If you have trouble sleeping at night, just whip out the ole' Econ book.
If you keep saying that things are going to be fine, you'll eventually be right.
If you knew what she really thinks about you, you'd be surprised.
If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored.
If you know the answer, you can always get it.
If you know yourself, you know your future.
If you laughed at all your faults, you'd never stop laughing.
If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius?!
If you live past death, you are no longer alive anyway.
If you make a mistake right it immediately to the best of your ability.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
If you only knew how naive you are...
If you owned Hell and Indiana, you'd live in Hell and rent out Indiana.
If you say a lie backwards, does it become a truth?
If you say it too many times, it'll appear on your tombstone.
If you see the Buddha on the road, kill him.
If you stay here long enough, you'll look like this.
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think this week was a drag, wait until next week!
If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less.)
If you torture the data long enough, it will confess.
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If you want a really reflective poem, write it on a mirror.
If you want someone to catch something, throw it at their nose.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If you want to truely understand something, try to change it.
If you're a pro-lifer, then either adopt an interracial Mongoloid, or shut up!
If you're against abortion, then DON'T HAVE ONE.
If you're flamed in a group you don't read, does anybody get burnt?
If you're going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.
If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively.
If you're in this world for comfort, you've come to the wrong place.
If you're not careful, you'll be sleeping alone tonight.
If you're not getting enough air, I can open a window for you.
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
If you've a date in Constantinople, she'll be waiting in Istanbul.
If you've got nothing to lose, why not tell the truth?
Ignorance doesn't kill you, but it makes you sweat a lot.
Ignorance is bliss, but it'll never replace sex.
Ignorance is bliss, except when it comes to finals.
Ignore previous fortune.
Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Imagination is the foundation of reality.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Imagination is the universe of thought.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...
Immanuel doesn't pun; he Kant.
Immortality is only for the gods... I wonder how they can stand it.
Implementing systems is 95% boredom and 5% sheer terror.
Imply more than you say.
Importance is all a matter of opinion, anyway.
Impose no limits and you'll encounter no limits.
Impossible means that no one has done it... yet.
In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
In Gates we trust.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
In UNIX there is C.
In a world of peiole, only some want to fly... isn't that crazy?
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
In spite of the cost of living, it's still quite popular.
In ten minutes, the Joker poison on your Batman memorabilia will be activated.
In the end, every man is really alone.
In the world of the opposite sex, she is a blue light special.
In theory, everything works.
In this dog-eat-dog world, I sometimes feel like I'm wearing milkbone underwear.
In your heart you know it's flat!
Incest - a game the whole family can play.
Incest -- sibling revelry.
Incompetence is better than no competence at all.
Inconcievable!!!
Incorrigible Proofreader
Incorrigible Punster -- do not inccorige.
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
Infinity is where you transfer from one parallel line to another.
Inflection -- The key to perversion.
Injection is nice, but I'd rather be blown.
Insanity is a null word.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
Instant gratification isn't fast enough.
Instrument of Darwin.
Intelligence is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Interfere? Of course we'll interfere! Always do what you're best at, I say.
Invertebrate Punster -- Spinelessly unable to resist a pun. So slug me!
Irish pizza sale - cheese, sausage, and lard.
Is PL/1 Bactrian or dromedary?
Is chance truly a matter of chance?
Is he mechanically inclined? Yes, he screws up everything.
Is it possible to value a thing before it becomes scarce?
Is it weird in here or is it me?
Is science concerned with all of reality or only part of it?
Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
Is the world full of smart people pretending or imbeciles who mean it?
Isaac Newton counts on his fingers.
Isn't it cool that love is a renewable resource?
Istanbul, not Constantinople.
It depends on your definition; but evil is usually bad.
It doesn't count as mail, unless I get it.
It doesn't matter how deep you fish; it's how you wiggle your worm.
It doesn't matter how hard you've studied; the material won't be on the exam.
It doesn't matter how you dance, as long as you move along with the music.
It doesn't matter how you get the answer as long as it is right.
It doesn't matter how you get there if you don't know where you're going.
It doesn't matter what size the gun is, just how well it shoots.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.
It doesn't matter where you go as long as you're with someone you care about.
It doesn't matter where you go on the honeymoon; it's always exciting.
It doesn't matter; if it works, it works.
It doesn't take me long to get drunk.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
It feels like someone put a syringe full of jello in my head.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It has to be spur of the moment; work on it.
It is Fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life.
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
It is a wonder what saving the universe will do for one's self-esteem.
It is an art to know how to cheer up a zombie at 500 miles over a phone line.
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It is better to light a flame thrower than to curse the darkness.
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It is impossible to solve a problem with the conciousness that created it.
It is not raining. The sky leaks.
It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.
It is the present that counts in human lives.
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
It is wise not to trust anything which has once deceived us.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
It isn't a war on drugs; it's a war on people.
It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
It isn't really a postulate until D has it.
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
It must be your green blood, Spock.
It saves shipping when you can manufacture locally.
It takes only one politician to change a light bulb - same as normal people.
It was safer when Tabby was in this room.
It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up.
It will still be his birthday; he just won't celebrate it anymore.
It won't work. I told Orville that, I told Wilbur that, and I'm telling you now!
It works both ways.
It would be nice if entropy could be used for something constructive.
It would feel better if you put it in your pocket.
It'll be all THEIR fault if we get nuked.
It's OK to do the right thing, as long as you don't get caught.
It's a bad habit of mine called breathing.
It's a control freak thing... I won't LET you understand.
It's a damned poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
It's a great class; you get screwed three times a week.
It's a human thing, you wouldn't understand.
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
It's a small world, but I'd hate to have to paint it.
It's a sorry set of feet that let a body get beat.
It's a strange world we live in.
It's all Jay's fault.
It's all a bunch of voltage levels to me.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
It's all drug related.
It's all happening at the zoo.
It's all in what you can get away with.
It's always like this when it gets this way.
It's always softer on top.
It's an Elder thing -- you wouldn't understand.
It's an IBM; it's got an excuse.
It's an obscure group called the Chicago Symphony Orchestra.
It's as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's as bad as you think... they ARE out to get you.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal?
It's been Monday all week.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
It's best to have both.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
It's better to copulate than never.
It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.
It's better to have cold hands down your back than none at all.
It's better to have it right than in flight.
It's called a sense of humor; you should get one; they're great.
It's chaos, pure and simple.
It's easier to drink it than put it back where it came from.
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
It's hard to predict the future when they keep changing the past.
It's hard to read a cartoon aloud.
It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.
It's important to keep an open mind, but not so open your brains fall out.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's me and you against the world - when do we attack?
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It's much easier to show than to tell.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
It's not a bug; it's an undocumented feature.
It's not a coup; it's just a realignment of American interests abroad.
It's not a dungeon; it's a fortified underground defense installation.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
It's not easy being this cute.
It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere!
It's not how hard you study; it's how you study hard.
It's not how long you make it; it's how you make it long.
It's not important how you look; it's how you feel . . . and I feel stupid.
It's not just reality that matters.
It's not my damn planet, monkeyboy!
It's not my fault!
It's not nice to laugh at people who are suffering.
It's not so much the size of the bullet; it's how you place your shots.
It's not the fall but the landin' that'll alter social standin'.
It's not the falling that bothers me; it's the landings.
It's not the falling that bothers me; it's the pointy spikes at the bottom.
It's not the heat; it's the humidity.
It's not the heights that bother me; it's falling on the bottoms of them.
It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money.
It's not the work that gets me down - it's the coffee breaks!
It's not the years -- it's the mileage.
It's not what you look like; it's how much money you have.
It's not what you put in the pot; it's how you stir it that counts.
It's not what you say in your argument; it's how loud you say it.
It's not what you talk about; it's what you say about what you talk about.
It's not when you get up, but when you get down.
It's not where you live, but who you live with that counts.
It's not whether he blows, but whether she blows.
It's not who wins or loses, it's who keeps score.
It's only a game until you lose.
It's only hopeless if you walk away.
It's only impossible until it's done.
It's only unethical if you get caught.
It's practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry.
It's savage stuff, gravity is.
It's smart to pick your friends - but not to pieces.
It's the teacher's prerogative to make you bored.
It's volume, not quality, that counts.
It's worse than that, he's DEAD, Jim!
It's you and me against the world. When do we attack?
It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
It's...
JESUS SAVES - he couldn't on my salary!!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
James Bond doesn't die; they just get a new one.
Jealousy is the only vice that gives no pleasure.
Jeans -- The eighties' chastity belt.
Jeez if you love Honkus.
Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
Jesus saves. Moses invests. But only Buddha pays dividends.
Jesus was born in a kosher home.
Jobs don't kill programmers; programmers kill jobs.
John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.
Joy without agony is just a word.
Jump me; I'm yours.
Just because it's silly doesn't mean it isn't right.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you.
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Just doing my bit to lower property values...
Just my two rubber ningis worth.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Just take a cold shower and sleep it off.
Just think -- how would Bugs Bunny have handled this?
Just when you're fishing, the fish head for deep waters.
Justice is a little constipated.
KISSINGER SHOULD BE BLOODY WELL HUNG! He is, my dear, he is. - Mrs Kissinger
Kamikaze Chemist
Keep America Beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo.
Keep honking... I'm reloading.
Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
Keep track of the grammar of what you're saying.
Keep your boss' boss off your boss' back.
Keeping Freedom safe from Democracy
Kick ass now, take names later.
Kill a commie for Christ!
Kill them all -- let God sort it out.
Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex.
Kiss me twice; I'm schizophrenic.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Kissing is like drinking salted water -- you drink, and you get thirstier.
Klingons never bluff.
Know what I mean, know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more!
Know what to expect before you connect.
Knowing Murphy's law won't help either.
Kzinti Diplomatic Corps -- Let's do lunch.
LEGALISE MENTAL TELEPATHY... I knew you were going to say that!
LIFE. LIVE IT!
LISP is a recursive language -- first you curse, then you recurse.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone!
Lassie kills chickens.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Laugh alone, and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you; cry, and your eyes get all puffy.
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor.
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.
Laws are made to be broken.
Lawyer -- someone who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a brief.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it for myself.
Lead; follow; or get out of the way!
Learn from others' mistakes -- you don't have time to make them all yourself.
Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control.
Leave my motherboard out of this!
Leave religion to the televangelists. After all, they're the professionals.
Leave your bones where they belong.
Leaving the ground is the only way to fly.
Legalise necrophilia.
Legalise vandalism.
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Let a sage speak his mind and he will pass for a fool.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let me control a planet's oxygen supply and I don't care who makes the laws!
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let's get some chaos into this confusion.
Let's split up -- we can do more damage that way.
Lethargy in motion
Lies are a convenient tool for living a truthful life.
Life -- an invariably fatal condition spread by sexual contact.
Life . . . what a game. Whoever thought it up must've been brilliant.
Life IS pain, highness. Anyone who says different is selling something.
Life belts me up-side the head once again.
Life can be great, even when it sucks.
Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just debugging.
Life is a glitch.
Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw as much paint on it as you can.
Life is a hereditary disease.
Life is a mystery and we're the suspects.
Life is a placebo masquerading as a simile.
Life is a random variable.
Life is a rerun.
Life is a stream of consciousness on LSD.
Life is a tale told by a lying minstrel.
Life is a terminal disease.
Life is an adventure game played with friends.
Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.
Life is great, but the hours are hell.
Life is just a window through which the Universe expresses itself.
Life is just one of those things.
Life is like a beer; once you lose your head, it's all over.
Life is like a fan; it blows on one side and sucks on the other.
Life is like a football; you fumble around and maybe you'll get lucky.
Life is like a little hairy bird flying backwards.
Life is like riding a bicycle; you don't fall off until you stop pedaling.
Life is much too complicated in the morning.
Life is never what you expect; it is what you fear.
Life is not a malfunction.
Life is not as meaningful without questioning it.
Life is not the dress rehearsal.
Life is problems; living is solving problems.
Life is recursive.
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
Life is too short to drink bad wine.
Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
Life is what you make it.
Life isn't always fair, but it shouldn't cheat that much.
Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
Life makes me pro death.
Life scars us with its random motion; only death is perfect.
Life sucks; but then again, so do I, so it can't be all that bad.
Life without bears would be unbearable.
Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful.
Life without you would be like a broken pencil; pointless.
Life would be better if everyone came.
Life would be so much easier if we could just get a look at the source code.
Life's a batch and then you abend.
Life's a beach and then you dry.
Life's a beach, and then you drown.
Life's a bitch, and then you die.
Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
Life's a bitch, but the puppies are cute.
Life's a bitch, regardless.
Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch.
Life's a trip and then you run out of Travelers' Checks.
Life's not a bitch; life's a virgin -- bitches are too easy.
Life's rough all over.
Life's rough.
Life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit!
Life, the universe, and everything is sometimes like a cottage cheese.
Life... don't talk to me about life.
Light a candle, curse the glare.
Lightning is one hell of a murder weapon... best of all, it can't be traced.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it).
Little Jack Horner's problem is more serious than he thinks!
Little rivers which run into the Nile, Juveniles.
Live Lent in the fast lane.
Live Wild or Die!
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
Live long and prosper.
Live long and prosper. It's logical.
Live now -- procrastinate tomorrow!
Live teddy bears are best.
Living Saint -- please tempt.
Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
Logic has never won anything in an emotional argument.
Long Time - No See.
Longer is more effective.
Look around - there's one who adores you.
Look for the union label.
Look out for the bull!
Look out world; get off my runway!
Look out! Behind you!
Look under the sofa cushion; you will be surprised at what you find.
Looking to God for answers is premature.
Lord, save me from fools and poltroons.
Lose three pounds; take all your clothes off.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost IMPOSSIBLE!
Lottery -- A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love -- two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Love also has calluses.
Love at first sight, no. Love at first TALK, now, that I believe in.
Love doesn't make the world go 'round; it makes the ride worth while.
Love is a dangerous drug.
Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
Love is deaf as well as blind.
Love is just Gund.
Love is the distemper that strikes down both beggar and king alike.
Love is the most wonderful addiction known to Mankind.
Love isn't fickle; it just doesn't ask your permission first.
Love isn't learned; it just is.
Love isn't love until you give it away.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Love means never having to say "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Love means never having to say you're loaded.
Love thy neighbour - but don't get caught.
Love's reward is love.
Lovers rarely love to criticize.
Lower the age of puberty.
Lung live tobacco.
Luther is realizing he is the cheese at the end of the rat race.
MS-DOS -- Just say NO.
MTU without its Sindex is like Iconoclast without his ego.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
Mag tape is IBM's contribution to the aerospace industry.
Magic happens.
Main CPU down, batch process only. One person at a time, please.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
Make a point of introducing yourself to someone new each day. GET MET. IT PAYS.
Make a wish and blow!
Make it idiotproof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make love, not war.
Make someone happy; mind your own business.
Make war, not love; it's safer!
Make your life an exclamation without explanation.
Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony.
Mallet rules Croquet?
Man contemplates metaphysics best when eating something.
Man is the creature most suited to evolution, whether good or bad.
Man is the most frustrating riddle ever written.
Man should always reach beyond his grasp, or what's a Heaven for?
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Man's best friend goes MEOW!
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
Managing a beautiful new subdivision, just off the information superhighway.
Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.
Many pages make a thick book.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Marching to a different kettle of fish...
Marriage is going steady real' fast.
Marriage is good in its ideal form, but then so is communism.
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
Marriage is made in heaven. So is thunder and lightning.
Marriage is society's way of keeping the population down.
Martyrdom is the oldest way of achieving fame without ability.
Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.
Martyrs cannot be silenced.
Mary Poppins shouldn't fly around without panties.
Mathematician -- a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
May I see some IQ, please?
May the gods smile upon you and not spit in the process.
May the light change to red as you approach.
May the road rise to meet you; the wind be ever at your back...
May you be seduced by an ugly old crone.
May you be strongly afflicted by anal flatulance.
May you be strongly afflicted by oral flatulance.
May you spend your life with geeks and nerds.
May your foot be always in your mouth.
Maybe I need a souvenir.
Maybe in another life.
Maybe that's the idea.
Maybe the shadows are more real than reality.
Me not responsible. Me just pawn in game of life.
Meanwhile, back in reality . . .
Meditation is not what you think.
Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
Memorization is just mental masturbation.
Men -- You can't live with 'em, and they only bleed when you whip 'em.
Men marry women hoping they won't change. Women marry men hoping they will.
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
Men should come with instructions.
Men tend to grow restless if they aren't fed regularly.
Mene sakkhet ur-seveh.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Mental backup in progress. Do not disturp!
Meow!
Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence
Mickey Mouse is gay.
Middle age is when you know all the answers, but no one asks you the questions.
Migratory lifeform with a tropism for parties.
Militant Agnostic -- I don't know, and you don't either!
Millions of years ago, man climed out of the slime. You want to join the party?
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
Misery loves company.
Misfortune!
Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
Mobile Non-Smoking Arena
Modern man is vulnerable to any competent engineer.
Modesty will get you nowhere.
Modulation in all things.
Monday is an awful was to spend 1/7 of your life.
Money can't buy happiness, but it does quiet the nerves.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Money can't buy love, but it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Money doesn't grow anywhere; not without sufficient capital, at least.
Money doesn't grow on trees; it grows in trees.
Money is attracted, not pursued.
Money may buy friendship but money can not buy love.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
Montana -- at least our cows are sane!
Moose and squirrel are really in for it this time. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Moriarty killed a clone -- Holmes lives.
Morris dancing is an exercise in fertility.
Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously.
Most likely, everyone is at ACS.
Most of humanity is eternally enslaved by their gonads.
Most people want to be delivered from temptation, but still keep in touch.
Mother Nature is a bitch.
Motion is relative.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
Mr. Wesley Crusher, would you please report to the airlock.
Much much much much much much much better! (Old Style vs Budweiser)
Murder is only killing without a license.
Murphy was an optimist!
Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
Music is meant to be given away.
Mutate now -- avoid the rush.
My answers never go anywhere without their excuses.
My back is computerized; it has a floppy disc.
My body, my choice. Legalize drugs.
My brain is the most important thing about me, but look what told me that.
My brain's been in a snow bank for at least a year.
My brain's dead, but that's all right; I don't need it 'til next term.
My commitment is to truth, not consistency.
My dear sir, whoever told you the world is supposed to be fair?
My father invented the Limbo -- he was trying to sneak into a pay toilet.
My fingers were tongue-tied.
My girdle is killing me!
My heart is a bull, and it's charging at you...
My heart is a hen, and she's laying for you...
My heart is a hound, and it's baying at you...
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
My kingdom for an Amiga!
My life is not organized around high-probability events.
My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring.
My loyalties are divided between health food and high-cholesterol swill.
My mind is insufficiently pornographic to make that association.
My mind is made up. Don't confuse me with facts.
My mind is where I wish my hand was.
My mind isn't ALWAYS in the gutter. Sometimes it comes out to feed.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
My opinion is uncluttered by facts.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My other car is a broom.
My rules apply only to other people, not myself.
My school colors were clear and transparent.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
My strength is as the strength of ten because my code is pure.
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of woman.
My superiority complex is better than your superiority complex.
My wife and I were very happy for twenty years... and then we met each other.
My writing's always legible; just other people can't read it.
NFS server not responding still trying
NFS server not responding still trying and don't give a damn
Nanu nanu!
Naphthalene is the principal constituent of moth balls.
Nasty, Brutish, and Short
National Lampoon Staff Anthropologist At Large
Nature never gives up. IT DID ON ME!!
Naugahyde is murder.
Neestiko arkoudi dhen horevee.
Negative numbers are numbers that just don't have the right attitude.
Neither a borrower nor lender be.
Neophytes' serendipity.
Never Surrender.
Never accept incomplete answers to your questions.
Never ask a barber whether you need a haircut.
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Never attribute to malloc what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Never be ashamed of anything anyone says about you, even if it's not true.
Never believe someone who has too much to say.
Never confuse endurance with hospitality.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
Never do anything twice that you don't have to do at all.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Never get your meat where you get your potatoes.
Never give a sucker an even break; take everything you can from him.
Never go into a hug off balanced.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Never have so many people understood so little about so much.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never hold down the "k" key; it tends to put a lot of "k"s on the screen.
Never kick a fresh cow pattie on a hot day.
Never kill a customer.
Never laugh at live dragons.
Never learn to type. If you do, someone will ask you to do it.
Never let your mother cut your hair when she's mad at your father.
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
Never make anything simple and efficient when it can be complex and wonderful.
Never mix your blood types.
Never moon a werewolf.
Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday. (Rule of Weekend Studying)
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never push the red button!
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Never quit until you have another job.
Never skinny dip in a pool full of piranha.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
Never spit into a tornado.
Never tell a computer to forget it.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never throw dirty dish water with tomato sauce into the wind.
Never trust a computer that is working on projects of its own.
Never trust a man whose fingers are longer than his cock.
Never trust a nun with a gun.
Never trust a smiling game master.
Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It only wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of demonstration.
Never use a tool that's more intelligent than you are.
Never use water to mix your drinks; it will dampen your spirits.
Never volunteer -- they'll send you to Earth.
New protest song -- All we are say...ing.... is... Give BOMBS a chance!
New with a K in front is a Canoe.
Next Wednesday you will be presented with a great opportunity.
Nice computers don't go down.
Nice computers only go down once a day.
Nice guys don't finish nice.
Nice guys tend to win, because they're the ones who get to write their memoirs.
Nice store you got here. Pity it's not purple.
Nietzsche is pietzsche, but Sartre is smartre.
No Smoking -- Oxygen in use
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
No bug at all, merely a misunderstood function.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No exhibitionist can exist in solitude.
No ideas but in things.
No job too big; no job too small; no job too stupid.
No man is an island so long as he is on at least one mailing list.
No man is an island.
No man is so merciless as a woman.
No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
No matter where you go, there you are.
No matter who you vote for, the government gets elected.
No one expects the Spammish repetition! Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...
No one is a failure who is enjoying life.
No one is holier than the next.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
No one just laughs.
No quarter asked -- no change given.
No radio... it's already been stolen.
No teacher is incapable of boring his students.
No wonder I have no good luck; I gave it all away.
No wonder I'm small; they used everything up in you!
No wonder it's hot in here; somebody's wearing wool.
Nobody can be exactly like me -- even I have trouble doing it.
Nobody is gonna' tell me who I can score with.
Nobody knows what's in SPAM.
Nobody steps on a church in MY town!
Nobody's life, liberty, or property are safe while Congress is in session.
Nocturnal is the only way to be.
None of us can remain as we are, no matter how it contents us.
Nonhandicapped people in handicapped spots are handicapped. It's mental.
Nonsense is the only thing worth talking about.
Norman here is a canine security worker in an automobile reclamation facility.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be! True - it's a thing of the past.
Not quite human any longer.
Not tonight, Chekhov. I have an earache.
Nothing can stop me -- not even common sense.
Nothing ever goes away.
Nothing has caused the human race more trouble than intelligence.
Nothing in the known Universe travels as quickly as a bad check.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Nothing is ever 100%.
Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
Nothing is more dangerous than an idea... if it's the only one you've got.
Nothing is so secure a foundation as contradiction.
Nothing like a little normality to really screw things up.
Nothing shocks me. I'm a scientist.
Nothing that has ever lived has gotten by without making some mistake.
Nothing will ever happen to you.
Nouns aren't Capitalized in the English Language.
Now go do that voodoo that you do so well!
Now is NOT a good time to annoy me.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Nuke 'em 'til they glow, and shoot 'em in the dark.
Nuke 'em from orbit -- it's the only way to be sure.
Nuke the Smurfs.
Nuke the baby seals for Jesus.
OH OH - You just hosed the DBP!
OK, everybody who believes in telekinesis... raise my hand.
OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
OK, what's the speed of dark?
OOS_SOL
OS/2 for PS/2 -- Half an operating system for half a computer.
Objectivity is in the eye of beholder.
Occasionally, things swerve slightly from the vertical.
Odd numbers are so . . . odd.
Oedipus - phone your mother.
Oedipus was the first man to plug the generation gap.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Of course I smoke - It's safer than breathing!
Of course I'm arrogant. The best usually are.
Of course he's dead. I killed him.
Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?
Of course there is no reason for it, it's just my policy.
Of course they had to die first, we've run out of names!
Of course, you may smoke -- but please don't exhale.
Of course, you realize this means war!
Oh no, another learning experience!
Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Oh, God... I'm so depressed.
Oh, I just HATE to get wet!
Oh, man.... and I just got out of therapy, too.
Oh, no. Not again.
Oh, please continue with your petty bickering. I find it... fascinating.
Oh, the gods are ticked off and now someone must pay...
Oh, well.
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
Ohio State is playing Oxbridge in the Fish Bowl.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Old enough to bleed is old enough to breed.
Old mercenaries never die; they just go to Hell and regroup.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
On the road, Zippy is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a point.
On your wedding night, you will do as the sheep do in the fields.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Once a musician, always a musician.
Once a program is running, it's obsolete.
Once in a while, you've just got to be firm.
Once is accident, twice is coincidence, and three times is enemy action.
Once upon a time.. is now.
Once we've got the bugs ironed out, we'll be running on flat bugs.
Once you learn how to ride, you always know how to ride.
One Bell System - it works.
One concrete problem is worth a thousand unapplied abstractions.
One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria.
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
One man's rut is another man's groove.
One nice thing about CDs is you don't get skips.
One of the advantages of eating your lover is no crumbs.
One of the great labor saving devices of today is tomorrow.
One place where you're sure to find the perfect driver is in the back seat.
One should avoid stating the obvious.
One should learn to laugh at his own faults.
One thing about masturbation. You don't have to look your best.
One who admires you greatly is hidden before your eyes.
One word sentences? Eliminate.
Only borrow from pessimists -- they don't expect to be paid back.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Only dirty people need to wash.
Only historians care for what has passed and gone.
Only innocent men can afford to tell lies.
Only one planet? At least one solar system!
Only you can prevent forest fires.
Only you can prevent overflow.
Only you can prevent page wraps.
Opening night is the night before the play is ready to open.
Opinions are like assholes; everyone has one.
Opposite Weirdnesses Attract -- all weirdness is opposite.
Optimism -- Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
Or in the mother board.
Or would you rather be a droid.
Or would you rather be a pig.
Organization drives out action.
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
Our race has been treacherous since its conception.
Out of body, back in five minutes.
Out of every life some blood must spill.
Out of my mind, back in five minutes.
Outnumbered, yes. Outmaneuvered, maybe. Outclassed, never!
Overload -- core meltdown initiated.
Pablo Picasso paints by numbers.
Pagan Missionary
Pagan and Proud
Pain hurts.
Pain is soon forgotten. Insult lingers on.
Paladins were born to raze Hell.
Paranoid schizophrenic outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
Pardon mankind for its petty crimes.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
Parts of me are already applauding.
Party Vegetable
Passing directly from barbarism to decadence.
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
Passive voice should be considered as heinous as mispeling.
Pattern is an illusion, order is a lie, the universe is random.
Paul Revere was a tattle-tail.
Pay backs are hell.
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtains.
Peace -- That state in which fear of any kind is unknown.
Peace through superior firepower.
Peace through superior swordplay.
Peanuts are happier.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
People are beautiful; theorems aren't.
People are like lawnmowers.
People come up to me and tell me they're worried that I'll reproduce.
People just can't keep their hands off the balls.
People make me pro abortion.
People make me pronuclear.
People tend to wipe their feet on anything with "Welcome" written on it.
People who are prudes are too cold to give effective support.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
Perfection isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Perhaps someday it will be pleasant to remember even this.
Perry Mason bribes judges.
Personality traits unacceptable in a person are fine in a cat.
Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns.
Philosophy is nothing but the practice of dying.
Pipers do it with Amazing Grace.
Pizza brings out the contradictions in me.
Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.
Plagiarism saves time.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Planets are smarter than astronomers; planets can solve the three-body problem.
Play fair if you can, cheat if you must, but always win.
Play it again, Sam.
Play the meat whistle and swallow the music.
Please do not breathe while I am smoking.
Please do not look into laser with remaining eyeball.
Please don't bang the fettucini.
Please, Captain, not in front of the Klingons.
Pobody's Nerfect.
Poetic license -- permission to lie.
Pogo ergo possum
Poker rules addendum -- a .44 magnum beats 4 aces.
Politically Correct is a contradiction in terms.
Politicians do it for their friends.
Politicians do it to everyone.
Posit, Consequence, Result, Conclusion.
Positive thinkers tend to confuse their goals with their accomplishments.
Positive thinking leads to miscalculation.
Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
Power corrupts -- isn't that what it's for?
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
Practice acts of random kindness and senseless beauty.
Practice makes adequate.
Practice; practice; practice.
Preach only what you practice.
Pregnancy is hell. Anyone who says otherwise is lying or on drugs.
Prepare for the future -- read science fiction.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Preppies are young jerks; yuppies just had a lot of practice.
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del to continue.
Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!!
Pretzels are bondage.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Progress at best consists of replacing errors with more subtle errors.
Projecting empaths -- you gotta feel sorry for them.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Publishing is a great way to keep a secret.
Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
Pundit
Purranoia -- the fear that your cats are up to something.
Push something hard enough and it will fall.
Put some challenge in your life -- try herding cats!
Put your modem where your mouth is.
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
Quantum Mechanics -- the dreams stuff is made of.
Quantum physics predicts the past with 80% accuracy.
Question Authority.
Question authority, but not your mother.
Question authority. Ask me anything.
Questions; questions; questions! Stop badgering this man!
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Quit looking at fortunes and get back to work!
Quit while you're behind.
RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.
RTFM
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Rah, Rah, Rah.
Rain, rain, go away! Come again some other day!
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Raise up taxes! Raise them high! Raise them, raise them to the sky!
Rasputin lives! He's in the kitchen.
Read my LISP -- no new syntaxes.
Read my lips...I know it's very taxing...
Read the book.
Real Daleks don't climb stairs; they level the building.
Real men don't eat it; they devour it.
Real men write self-modifying code.
Real women don't have hot flashes; they have power surges.
Reality corrupts. Absolute reality corrupts absolutely.
Reality is OK... Just don't make a habit of it.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't deal with science fiction.
Reality is a crutch!
Reality is a figment of your imagination.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Reality is all a point of view.
Reality is best faced from the backside.
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
Reality is good sometimes for kicks, but don't let it get you down.
Reality is just a transfer gate away.
Reality is only fantasy gone stale.
Reality is something you rise above.
Reality is the illness caused by the deprivation of alcohol.
Reality is the leading cause of stress.
Reality is the opiate of the people.
Reality is too loud.
Reality met fantasy, like a speeding Ferrari meets a brick wall.
Really interesting quote soon to come.
Really? What a coincidence! I'm shallow too!
Reason deceives us often; but conscience, never.
Reason doesn't rule in love.
Reason has no place in the mind of a creature fighting for its life.
Rebel without a clue
Rebooting your brain can be tricky.
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad for you.
Reflecting on memories only makes you want the original experience again.
Rehab is for quitters.
Reincarnation is a pleasant surpise.
Rejection is good for the spirit.
Religion is fine taken in moderation.
Religion is for those not strong enough to form their own opinions.
Religion is for those who don't understand evolution.
Religion is genetic.
Religion is only our futile attempt to force order on chaos.
Remember the Cold War? How pre-millennial!
Remember to take it easy; and if it is easy, take it out.
Remember, there's more to life than science fiction, but not much.
Remove foot from mouth before speaking.
Renegade Time Lord
Repeal inhibition.
Repeal the law of gravity.
Repetition is always better the second time.
Repetition is always nice. Over, and over, and . . .
Repetition is the soul of wit. Repetition is the soul of wit. Repetition is...
Resistance is useless (if less than 1 ohm).
Responsibility is a broken state of mind.
Responsibility is a state in other people's minds.
Revenge is a dish best served microwaved.
Revers the polarity of the neutron flow.
Rhetoric is for those not strong enough to form their own opinions.
Right theory, wrong universe.
Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads!
Roget's Thesaurus Rules - ok, all right, very well, you bet, certainly.
Romance can really wear out the synapses.
Romantic dinners are for lovers; husbands are why they invented TV trays.
Rome wasn't built in a day because it was a government job.
Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo.
Ronald Reagan is the Fred Astaire of foot-in-mouth disease.
Roommates are meant to interfere.
Rooner Spules OK.
Rotten wood cannot be carved - Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9)
Rub it and it will go away.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Ruffles are cute on you, but they really clash with your collar pin.
Rule #1 is patients die, and Rule #2 is doctors can't change rule #1.
Rules? What rules?
SCCS, the source motel -- programs check in, but they don't check out.
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory.
SICM is gonna screw you soon, kid.
SPOOO00NNNN!!!!
Safe messages -- Always wear your trap!
Salaame, salaame, baloney.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Sarcasm is what keeps us sane.
Sarcasm... If you've got it, flaunt it.
Satirized for your protection.
Save gas - don't eat beans.
Save our slums.
Save the mundanes -- we need them for breeding stock!
Save the universe -- collect all four!
Save the werewolves -- help protect an endangering species.
Save the whales, collect the whole set.
Save water - bathe with a friend.
Savor the moments, not the expectation.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Science is true -- don't be misled by facts.
Science without religion is lame; religion without science is blind.
Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minified...
Scoff now and repent later.
Scottish country dancers are the reel people.
Screw virginity.
Second start to the right and straight on 'til morning!
Security-wise, NT is a server with a kick-me sign on it.
See the politician...See him help the little old lady cross the street...
See the politician...See him kiss the baby...
See the politician...See him push the button...
See the politician...See him taking money from the PAC...
See what happens when you don't eat your broccoli?
See y'all in hell.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Self-sacrifice is always a virtue -- in other people.
Serenity through viciousness.
Service with a snarl.
Sex and Drugs and Rock and Role-Playing
Sex and Drugs and Unix
Sex is a euphemism.
Sex is a hazardous sport.
Sex is like an eight track; just shove it in until it works.
Sex is like euchre. If you have a good hand, no partner is needed.
Sex is like money - even when its bad it's good.
Sex is like the taste of food; the sensation doesn't last long enough.
Sex is nobody's business but me and my teddy bear's.
Sex is nobody's business except for the three people involved.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Sex is not trivial, but fighting over it is usually pretty silly.
Sex is only dirty if it's done right.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Sex is the poor man's opera.
Sex isn't a spectator sport.
Sex isn't as fun when you're married.
Sex on television? Just as long as you don't fall off.
Sha na na na, Sha na na na, Hey! Hey! Good bye!
Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased.
Sharp as a whip, bright as a tack, fast as a shiny new penny.
She came as a sign of faith.
She doesn't have an IQ; she has a PSI.
She has divine ancestry on the paternal side.
She is scheduled for slow termination, R2.
She likes you - look at the way she is sitting. . .
She was a miss; when she became a hit, she became a madam.
She was only an archer's daughter, but she fired a lot of cross beaus.
She was only an archer's daughter, but she gave her beau the shaft.
She was only an archer's daughter, but she made the bulls sigh every time.
She wasn't bitching AT me; she was bitching NEAR me.
She who dies with the most fabric wins.
She who dies with the most toys wins!
She's a crescent wench; she fits all sizes.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
She's gone after more men than the Mounties.
She's looking at you like an angry cat. . .
Sheep are best!
Shell to DOS... Come in, DOS, do you copy?
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up! Push down! Byte! Byte! Byte!
Shin -- a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Shoot for the moon. If you miss, you'll be among the stars.
Shooting at windows can be expensive.
Shouting "anarchy" at a con is like shouting "movie" at a theater.
Show some leniency toward human failings.
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
Show your appreciation for your lover by surprising him/her with a small gift.
Shower the people you love with your love.
Shredded disaster is Murphy slaw.
Shrubs are an enormous responsibility.
Shut up and dictate!
Shut up, Wesley!
Sibling rivalry is for kids...
Sigma. Sigma. Sigma. Sigma. Sigma. Sigma.
Silence those who oppose freedom of speech!
Silly Rabbit of Borg, assimilations are for kids!
Simply applying a hard penis to the nearest warm surface will not suffice.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Since when is talking a sign of thinking?
Six divided by three is two, unless you do it on an HP.
Six of one, 110 (base 2) of another.
Size is another thing that changes.
Skills used unselfishly make for cooperation.
Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Sleep deprivation is fun. You see such pretty colors.
Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine.
Sleep is for wimps. Happy, healthy, well-rested wimps, but wimps nonetheless.
Slit your wrists. It'll lower your blood pressure.
Slow dancing is a mobile cuddle.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Smile . . . It kills time between disasters.
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
Smile! Cthulhu loves you!
Smile, and the world smiles with you. Frown, and you get credit for thinking.
Smile. You don't have to be happy; think of it as showing your fangs.
Smile; laughter; mirth; it was a joke.
Smith & Wesson... the ORIGINAL point and click interface.
Smoke - choke - croak.
Smoking bring a lump to the throat.
Snoopy has fleas.
So I'm a shy exhibitionist!
So I'm selfish; at least I admit it.
So do pigs.
So many books, so little time.
So many galaxies, so little time.
So that's 2 T-1s and a newsfeed. Would you like clues with that?
Socialism never worked outside of the National Football League.
Sock it to me with apathy.
Some are always better than none, except when dealing with trouble.
Some days, you might as well be throwing rocks.
Some dreams are so dangerous that you just can't tell them to anyone.
Some folk can rise to an occasion, while others just hit the roof.
Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.
Some mistakes can't be corrected. A wise man avoids making them.
Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Some of us drink from the fountain of knowledge; others gargle.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Some people are too scared to take a chance; I'm too scared not to.
Some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
Some people have one of those days; I have one of those lives.
Some people know too much about planes.
Some people march to a different drummer... and some people polka!
Some people say life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
Some things are still sacred -- I haven't taken them apart yet.
Some things not only run in the family, they never slow down to a trot.
Somebody must've lost the book; there used to be rules.
Someday that man's head is going to open up and a prize is going to pop out.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Somehow, somewhere along the line, this town lost its pride.
Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.
Sometimes I feel like a simulation.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Most times I just let her sleep.
Sometimes I'm fast and sometimes I'm slow.
Sometimes doing nothing is the hardest thing to do.
Sometimes my NOW is later than it should be.
Sometimes the only solution is to find a new problem.
Sometimes the truth can be so unnecessary.
Sometimes you're the bug, sometimes you're the windshield.
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Sorta' like riding a bike; you never forget the skinned knees.
Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Space is an illusion; disk space doubly so.
Space is huge; space is dark; it's hard to find a place to park. Burma Shave.
Space must travel pretty fast.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
Speak softly and wear a LOUD shirt.
Speak softly, but carry an M16.
Speaker to Teletypes
Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.
Speed thrills.
Spending a year dead for tax purposes.
Spock -- The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
Spock -- We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, captain.
Spontaneity has its time and its place.
Spontaneity is best.
Squint as you approach me, lest you be blinded by my intellect.
Stable things are for stable people.
Stamp out keyclick!
Stamp out reality.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
Star Trek IV -- So Long, and Thanks For All the Fish.
Start an underground movement today - get yourself buried alive!
Start the day with a smile - and get it over with!
Statisticians probably do it.
Statistics is the art of misleading the knowledgeable.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words hurt worst of all.
Stop air pollution - quit breathing
Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood.
Stop interrupting when I'm interrupting.
Stop me before I volunteer again... and again... and again...
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
Stop! Stop! Or I'll yell "Stop!" again!
Storytellers live to tell the tale.
Strike while the iron is hot.
Student of the Harry Tuttle School of Revolutionary Plumbing
Students may like nitrates, they're cheaper than day rates.
Stuff is the stuff you stuff stuff with.
Stupid? I don't know the meaning of the word.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Substance is all; form, nothing.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Success didn't spoil me; I've always been insufferable.
Success is achieving the top of the food chain.
Suck the marrow out of life.
Suck; blow is just a figure of speech!
Suffering the inhumanity of regular employment.
Suicide may be a great hobby, but I wouldn't do it for a living.
Suns die, worlds collide, life is an accident, meaningless and futile.
Superior intelligence always includes strong sexual drive.
Superman gets into Clarke Kents' pants every morning.
Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
Support carnal knowledge!
Support choice or don't orgasm.
Support free enterprise - legalise prostitution.
Support free trade -- smuggle!
Support the rich!
Support wild life - vote for an orgy!
Support your local medical examiner -- die strangely.
Support your local police force - STEAL!
Support your local theives' guild -- leave your doors unlocked.
Sure, Reagan promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets?
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
Surveillance should proceed saltation.
Sushido - the way of the tuna.
Suspicion leads to confidence.
Swimps, I say, gimme sommore swimps!
System going down in ten minutes for operator's beer bash.
T-shirts are making promises their owners can't keep.
T.A.N.S.T.A.A.F.L.
THE COMPUTER'S DOWN AND IT CAN'T GET UP!
THINK. If you're already thinking, please disregard this .signature.
Tabby should be a registered trademark.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
Take it back and get a more expensive one; the expensive ones are always better.
Take my advice -- I'm not using it.
Taking a test is like eating a fish; you have to watch out for the bones.
Talk to the OTHER autocrat!
Taxation is theft; Conscription is slavery; War is murder.
Teacher from the Black Lagoon
Teaching COBOL ought to be regarded as a criminal act. -ED
Team work does not mean going out and starting your own team.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Tech believes in conserving energy; it uses students as portable heating units.
Tech grads are better, because we're colder, so we're preserved.
Technicalities count.
Techno-Pagan
Teddy bears may be great for hugging, but they simply can't hug back.
Tele-evangelists -- the pro wrestlers of religion.
Television -- chewing gum for the eyes.
Tell me to 'Stuff It'. I'm a taxidermist.
Terminator -- the few, the proud, the machines.
Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
Thank you for always being a jerk.
Thank you for playing.
Thanks for staying. It's not often I get good conversation... in bed.
That Marquis de Sade sure knew how to hurt a guy.
That ball's well hit...back...back...back...HEY! HEY! A home run!
That may well be so true, but my mind working am not.
That thoughtful look on my face is idiocy.
That was Zen, this is Tao.
That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast.
That which does not kill me makes me smarter, except for oxygen deprivation.
That which does not kill me makes me smarter.
That which is next is that which follows that which comes before.
That which you see as a handicap is actually a gift.
That woman is just like a dresser; some man is ALWAYS going through her drawers.
That's OK. I don't remember my name either.
That's a wonderful theory.
That's as crazy as a soup sandwich.
That's as may be, but it's still a frog!
That's odd. That's very odd. Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
That's ok; I'm durable.
That's ok; I'm flexible.
That's ok; I'm resilient.
That's right; superior intellect; I forgot.
That's the best way to subtle -- be blunt.
That's the only way it COULD get out!
That's the way to freak her out; throw it to her when she's reaching for it.
That's what I call performance!
That's what women are for, to make men pay for their mistakes.
The 100% American is 99% an idiot.
The 11.32 signature is running late and will arrive at 19.22.
The BattleTech Center. It's not just a job, it's an indenture.
The Bohemian easy payment plan. 100% down, nothing left to finance.
The Christian Right is neither.
The Email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want (ps. 21).
The Moral Majority is neither.
The New Age is just like the old age -- only newer.
The Red Knight has a limp lance!
The Society of Jesus figures strongly in your future.
The Soviets are atheists; they use all day Sunday to plan.
The Theorem Theorem -- If if, then then.
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
The access time of a hard drive is much better than that of a floppy.
The act of wanting often makes something more desirable than the act of having.
The aim is to minimize the worry.
The amount of common sense is fixed, but the population keeps going up.
The art of experimentation is self-censorship.
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The baby -- an instrument of destruction.
The beauty of a pun is in the 'Oy!' of the beholder.
The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.
The best debugging tool is the human mind.
The best laid plans of mice and men... are all filed away somewhere.
The best postulates are never ever written down.
The best way to become aware of something is to experience it.
The best way to learn is to teach.
The best way to overcome a desire is to give in to it.
The best way to say thanks is to increase the number after "Net Pay".
The bigger they are, the more they hurt ya'.
The brain is a marvelous junk yard.
The cause isn't lost until you're six feet under.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The combined IQ of the earth is a constant and the population is increasing.
The common question of a Unix PC owner -- Wonder what my computer is doing...?
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
The cooks eat out.
The cops can't get me -- they're all prisoners of the doughnut shops.
The course of progress -- Most things get steadily worse.
The cow ate bluegrass and mooed indigo.
The customer isn't always right, but they do get an unnatural amount of slack.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
The diff between OZCO and a cactus plant - plant has pricks on the outside.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that stupidity has no limits.
The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.
The difference between men and boys is the difference between their thighs.
The difference between men and boys is the size of their ... TOYS! Gotcha!
The difference between sucking and chewing is that chewing hurts.
The early bird still has to eat worms.
The early worm gets the bird.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm.
The family that stays together may be convicted of incest.
The first cup of coffee recapitulates phylogeny.
The floor has its own peculiar charm.
The future is more than a dream.
The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
The geek shall inherit the earth.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The gods are practical jokers with deplorably low taste in humor.
The good news -- I'm a perfectionist! The bad news -- I charge by the hour.
The grass dies where you walk, doesn't it.
The graveyards are filled with the corpses of men who failed to draw trump.
The graveyards are full of men who thought they could not be replaced.
The great tragedy of science is the slaying of a beautiful theory by ugly fact.
The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The hell with criticism -- praise is good enough for me.
The hell with the Prime Directive, let's kill something!
The human mind is more than a computer, that is why there are psychiatrists.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
The identification of a problem leads to an obligation of finding a solution.
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer.
The impossible we do immediately. Miracles require 24 hours notice.
The lab called... your brain is ready.
The lady with the Uzi, is she single?
The last resort of the innocent is always publicity.
The less you bother me, the sooner you'll get results.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
The limit of a pretzel from 1 to infinity (lemniscate) diverges.
The little engine that philosophized -- I think I am! I think I am!
The little engineer that could.
The little voices are telling me to clean my guns.
The longer you wait is proportional to your chance of losing it.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched".
The lord gave us two ears so we could hear both sides of the story.
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
The lunatic fringe begins here.
The meek are getting ready.
The meek may inherit the earth, but it's the grumpy who get promoted.
The meek shall inherit the Earth! (if that's ok by the rest of you?)
The meek shall inherit the earth - they're too weak to refuse.
The meek will inherit the earth. The rest of us will go to the stars.
The mind is the toughest problem of all.
The modem is the message.
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The more subtle one is, the less one will be observed being subtle.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
The most successful realities are those which are explained the loudest.
The mystery of life isn't a problem to solve, but a reality to experience.
The mystery of love is more important than the love itself.
The new baby is like royalty, he's the prince of wails.
The obscure we see immediately; the completely apparent takes longer.
The one problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
The one universal nature of theories is that men outgrow them.
The only bad plan is a plan that lacks execution.
The only day the average child is good as gold is on April 15.
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
The only solution to a bad hair day is a good hat.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The only thing more powerful than peer pressure is fear pressure.
The only thing opposites attract is divorce.
The only thing that I don't procrastinate is giving up.
The only thing worse than learning the truth is NOT learning the truth.
The only way you can count to two is to take your blouse off.
The only winner of the war of 1812 was Piotr Illych Tchaikovsky.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
The pants were very sad, they were depressed.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
The people who do it less say it more.
The perception of reality is more crucial than the underlying actuality.
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
The police aren't there to create disorder; they're there to preserve disorder.
The powers of healing protect us from nature.
The probability of good fortune is exactly 97.67431 %
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.
The problem with unwritten laws is that they're so hard to erase.
The pun is mightier than the sword.
The pun is nothing but poetic license to kill.
The pursuit of happiness is a never ending chase.
The pursuit of women is the flight from woman.
The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away.
The real world is only a special case.
The rings of Saturn are actually composed of lost airline luggage.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The shortest distance between two points has a bridge out.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line.
The sign says "Short haired geeky people will be shot on sight."
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The square root of -69 is "I ate something."
The square root of 69 is "ate something."
The stylus is more potent than the claymore.
The tail wags the dog.
The talent to heal also comes with the talent to hurt.
The time is right to make new friends.
The trouble is that attitudes have not kept up with the opportunities.
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
The truth is out there... anybody got the URL?
The twelfth regeneration's a bitch and then you die.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
The ultimate reason is "because."
The ultimate smart weapon would be too smart to blow itself up.
The unexamined life is not worth living.
The universe does not have laws; it has habits, and habits can be broken.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
The views expressed here do not necessarily represent those of the management.
The voices tell me what to do and say.
The way to a man's heart is through his back.
The way to a man's heart is with a broadsword.
The way to control anything is to understand it.
The wearing of boots is a function of the chicness thereof.
The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
The whole is more than the sum of its parts.
The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
The world doesn't scare me... just it's inhabitants.
The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.
The world is a very complicated place.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
The world is cracked; this is all a bad yolk.
The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it.
The worst form of failure is the failure to try.
The worst perversion is chastity.
The worst thing about censorship is XXXXXXXXXX.
Then don't go to them places.
Then you must be Don Francisco's sister!
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
There ain't no such thing as a free weekend.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are 3 kinds of people -- Those who can count and those who can't.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are more ways of killing a cat than buttering it with parsnips.
There are no accidents, only plans that other people don't tell you about.
There are no answers, only cross-references.
There are no giant crabs in here, Frank.
There are no promises in love.
There are some really funky looking people up here.
There are three kinds of people -- those who can count, and those who can't.
There are two types -- those who hate the 8086 architecture, and liars.
There are very few problems that can't be solved by ripping a hole in reality.
There can't be a crisis next week! My schedule is already full!!
There comes a time when nothing's left but style.
There is a Vulcan in heat looking for you.
There is a definite limit on how much fun you can have when you're dead.
There is a difference between volume and velocity.
There is a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.
There is a fine line between falling and flying.
There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line.
There is a god; he's just unemployed.
There is a person who wants to get in your pants.
There is a social conditioning of government.
There is always space on a desk to get laid.
There is no algorithm for writing algorithms.
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
There is no gravity; the earth sucks.
There is no heaven or hell -- only smoking and non-smoking.
There is no hiding from a verbal shotgun.
There is no knowledge that is not power.
There is no left turn from Rand Road to 53 south.
There is no sadness like the recognizance of opportunity missed.
There is no shelter from a bomb, even in a shelter.
There is no substitute for good manners -- except fast reflexes.
There is no substitute for incomprehensible good luck.
There is no temptation from outside the heart.
There is no truth; there are only differences of opinion.
There is nothing in this world so permanent as a temporary emergency.
There is nothing wrong with circular definitions.
There is one time when you should NEVER say, "Thank you."
There is only so much you can do with a pair of blue jeans.
There is something out there.
There isn't time enough for love, so what does that leave for hate?
There should be a difference between exercise and self-abuse.
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
There will be days when the roof caves in... prop it up and keep going.
There you go again... thinking you have rights.
There's Klingons on the starboard bow, scrape them off, Jim!
There's a fine line between clever and stupid.
There's a fine line between reality and fantasy -- I prefer to obscure it.
There's a lot about a person that you can't learn from a picture.
There's a lot of things in life you can't solve by choking your chicken.
There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
There's always the temptation to let other people think you're normal.
There's an exception to every rule... except this one.
There's more to life than meets the mind.
There's never time to do it right. There's always time to do it over.
There's no future in time travel.
There's no greater folly than trying to reform society.
There's no place like www.home.com.
There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes.
There's nothing nice about a bureaucracy.
There's nothing to courage.
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
There's probably 8 million names in the naked city.
There's so much to be said, it's better left unsaid.
There's truth within the laughter, and the truth shall set you free.
They can't fire me; slaves have to be sold.
They don't call them bulldozers for nothing.
They got the library at Alexandria -- they're not getting mine!
They ought to ban handguns.
They ought to make a law against bad fortunes.
They ought to make a law against cigarettes.
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
They'll take away my sword when they pry my cold dead fingers off the hilt.
They're all cute when they're unconscious.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
Things come easier when you're allowed to pass in peace.
Things get worse under pressure.
Things just ain't been the same since Zeke grew wings.
Things look better when I'm drunk.
Things were meant to be moved.
Things will get worse before they get better.
Things will go on as they always have -- that is to say, badly.
Think "HONK" if you're a telepath.
Think of it as evolution in action.
Thinking about people scrambles my circuitry.
Thinking is only a way with words.
This can't go on forever; even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years.
This computer is built by Lionel.
This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
This is a day for firm decisions.... or it it?
This is a fine day to work off excessive energy. Steal something heavy.
This is a nightmare and I'm going to wake up, RIGHT?
This is enough to make a Catholic into a real Christian.
This is no ordinary fool you're dealing with.
This is not a dress rehearsal.
This is not my beautiful house.
This is not.
This is one of those rooms that if you don't actually leave, you never will.
This is the '80s; nobody likes reality anymore.
This is the Spawning of the Cage and Aquarium -- don't wait a moment too soon.
This is the Users GROUP of Houghton, not the Users GROPE!
This is the sergeant!! Where is your badge!!!!
This is your karma; ... Look! Now it's a bunny!
This isn't reality. This is fantasy.
This looks dippy.
This message was brought to you by the language 'C' and the letter 'F'.
This must be morning. I could never get the hang of mornings.
This parrot is no more!
This sentence is false.
This signature boldly goes where no signature has gone before.
This space intentionally left what would otherwise be blank were this not here.
This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.
Those who can't do it engineer it.
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.
Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
Those who can, teach; those who can't teach, administer.
Those who cease to dream the impossible cease to live.
Those who dance are thought mad by those who hear not the music.
Those who do not learn from Dilbert are destined to repeat it.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.
Those who like sausage or political policy shouldn't watch either being made.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Those who think they know it all upset those of us who do!
Those whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC.
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
Thou shalt think!
Three bytes of data are scarcely a full meal.
Throw the rascals out!!!!
Ticket stubs are like snow flakes; no two are alike; each is unique.
Ties make you look distinguished.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Time Lords say, "Go ahead, make my yesterday".
Time and weather cleanse even a swine pen.
Time exists so that everything doesn't happen at once.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time flies when you're getting paid.
Time has little to do with infinity and jelly donuts.
Time is just Nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Time is just an illusion perpetuated by the manufacturers of space.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Time is the best teacher... unfortunately, it kills all its students.
Time is your best friend and your worst enemy.
Time loses all meaning when you're in the bathroom.
Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods.
Time turns our lies into truths.
Time wounds all heels.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
To be a corpse is to be nothing more than an addition to the general clutter.
To be is to be perceived.
To be suicidal, one has to know how to procrastinate.
To become a human being is an achievement -- you have to think about it.
To each according to his needs. (Karl Marx c. 1850)
To each, his own.
To enjoy the flavor of life, take BIG bites.
To err is human, and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human, but I forgive you.
To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.
To err is human, to really foul up requires the root password.
To err is human; to blame it on someone else is politics.
To err is human; to eat Jello is messy.
To every hard problem, there's a simple solution, and it's wrong.
To get the maximum attention, it's hard to beat a big mistake.
To hell with King Billy and God bless the Pope.
To honor all men is to honor none.
To iterate is human, to recurse divine.
To know something is to know something about something that exists.
To lead the people, walk behind them.
To save face - keep the lower half shut!
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
To the victor go the spoils -- and the victor is getting pretty sick of it.
To thine own self be cool.
To thine own self be true, young prince.
To this we pledge our lives, our fortune, and our sacred honor.
To you, I'm an agnostic. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day.
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life - celebrate now!!
Today is the first day of the rest of your sentence.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Today was so long that I shaved between break and lunch three times.
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
Total strangers need love too -- and I'm stranger than most!
Toto did WHAT to the Tin Man?!
Toto, it doesn't look like we're in Kansas anymore!
Touche, mon frere.
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
Truck Driver -- Someone who thinks "55" is Washington, D.C.'s IQ.
True happiness will be found only in true love.
Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.
Trust me -- I'm almost a Doctor.
Trust me.
Trust me; I'm a doctor.
Trust no one. Keep your laser handy.
Truth is relative.
Truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense.
Truths can be measured in seconds.
Try chewing gum to relieve tension; it's much safer.
Try not to have a good time. This is supposed to be educational.
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
Tune in, turn on, drop out.
Tune in, turn on, eat food.
Two Barbies and a squirrel does NOT a party make.
Two can live as cheaply as one and a half.
Two can live as cheaply as one for half as long.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Two wrongs don't make a right -- it usually takes three or more.
Two's complement, three's a crowd.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
Typing XINIT will cure the common cold.
UFO's are real -- the Air Force is swamp gas!
UNIX is a registered trademark of AT&T.
Ultimate Question Research Team
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
Uncle Sam wants you - to party!!!!!!
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite.
Understanding must move with the flow.
Understatement is always best.
Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.
Unfortunately, Albert, God does play dice with the universe.
Unicorns aren't mythical -- virgins are!
Unity is an illusion.
Until a life is settled, it shouldn't seek security.
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Up with miniskirts! Down with hot pants!
Use erogenous zone numbers.
User Belligerent
User Hostile
User Surly
Usually, they come in pairs.
Vampire victim... be nice to me today.
Variables don't, constants aren't.
Vegetarians eat vegetables. I am a humanitarian.
Veni, Vidi, VCR -- I came, I saw, I taped.
Veni, Vidi, Visa.
Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1990-1951
Violence is the last resort of the frustrated.
Virgin -- an ugly third grader.
Virginity can be cured.
Virginity is like a balloon; one prick and it's all over.
Virtual World Entertainment Inc. corporate policy -- Ready, FIRE, Aim!
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Visit your mother today. Maybe she hasn't had any problems lately.
Vuja De -- The strange feeling you get that nothing has happened before.
W.C. Fields is alive and drunk in Philadelphia.
WAR! What is it good for? Absolutely NOTHING!
WARNING -- Game Master whimsical when bored.
WARNING -- This signature may offend morons!
WE ARE THE PEOPLE OUR PARENTS WARNED US ABOUT!
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT!?! I've asked you three times!
WHen all else fails, read the instructions.
Wait, do we go ON three, or is it one, two, three and THEN go?
Wake up to insomnia!
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
Walk through life with a good heart and you will run with success.
Walt Disney should've had your imagination.
Want a jelly baby?
Wanted -- Stationary wench.
War is menstruation envy.
War is not healthy for soldiers and other living things.
War makes me pronuclear.
Warning -- Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Warning -- Farming can be hazardous to your wealth.
Warning -- Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Warning -- This person reads fantasy and is an avid denier of reality.
Warp 7 -- it's a law we can live with.
Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Was today really necessary?
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
Watch it -- you're trying my infinite patience.
We aim to please, but we shoot to kill.
We all have faults, and mine is being wicked.
We all live in a yellow subroutine.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
We are NOT stuck in between the frames of a Warner Bros. cartoon.
We are all God's children -- by a previous marriage.
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
We are everywhere.
We are experiencing synaptical difficulties -- please stand by.
We are healthy only to the extent that our ideas are humane.
We are looking for the nuclear wessels.
We are powerless in the face of failure of the electricity.
We call our dog Egypt, because he leaves pyramids in every room.
We came, we saw, we kicked ass.
We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you.
We come in peace; shoot to kill, men.
We could flip a coin. No! That would be too risky; it could go either way.
We could really bust some heads -- in a spiritual sense, of course.
We create - or deny - our own realities.
We do not use the term "chicken breast". It is the "white meat".
We don't define reality; it defines us.
We have enough youth -- How about a fountain of "smart"?
We have no taste, but we like you.
We live but once -- to Hell with diet!
We live in perilous times.
We looked it straight in the face and watched it go by.
We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give.
We may be puny, Charlie... but by Jesus, we're tough!
We may not know where we're going, but we've already left.
We often lose sight of the future grabbing for a piece of the present.
We put the "k" in "kwality".
We really shook the pillars of heaven, didn't we?
We use reason every day; we just don't always use good reason.
We were born naked, wet, and hungry... then things got worse.
We'll build our house, and chop our wood, and make our garden grow.
We'll get along as soon as you realize I'm root.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize that I'm God.
We're all aliens, but from different planets.
We're all mortal; we make mistakes.
We're so busy catching minnows, we forget we're standing on a whale.
We're so smooth we can't slow down.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Weird enough for all practical purposes.
Weirdness Magnet
Weirdness is the best defense.
Welcome back to square one.
Welcome to Michigan Tech, the land of 6000 portable space heaters.
Well, excuse me for getting it right the first time!
Well, that too.
Well, they don't call them couples for nothing.
Were you standing at the shallow end of the gene pool?
Whaddya want me to do? Dress in drag and dance the hula?
Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!
What 60's revival? The 60's never died!
What I lack in precision, I make up for in enthusiasm.
What I would call human in me, for you would be perversion.
What a doorknob.
What a long strange trip it's been.
What a nice night for an evening.
What am I doing out of bed?
What am I going to say to him? He's the size of a coke machine!
What are YOU laughing at? The joke's between your legs!
What are you doing wrong with our bug-free product?
What boots up must come down.
What can you expect from a day that begins with getting up in the morning?
What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What could possibly go wrong?
What do I look like -- the living?
What do I need for a better sex life? Another 570 miles in length.
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do you look like when you're not visualizing anything?
What do you mean, we're not getting paid?!?
What do you mean, you're a solipsist?
What does a sacred chao say?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What has posterity ever done for me?
What if it was the Warren Commission who killed JFK?
What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.
What is certain is not remarkable.
What is popular is not always right; what is right is not always popular.
What is the difference between thinking you love someone and loving them?
What is the mental aspect of a rock?
What is the output of a vaccuum pump?
What is the use of indecision when one does not know where one is going?
What kind of syncophant would you like me to be?
What miracles we are, and what fools.
What the world _really_ needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
What they call gas isn't.
What would a chare look like if your knees bent the other way?
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
What's a word processor? Well, you know what a food processor does to food ...
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
What's less than sometimes, but more than never?
What's not nailed down is mine; what I can pry loose is not nailed down.
What's the definition of "abusive"? What's the matter, are you stupid?
What's the definition of "ambivalence"? Well, it could be yes, or no...
What's the definition of "amnesia"? I forget.
What's the definition of "amorous"? I love the way you ask that question.
What's the definition of "antipathy"? You would have to ask me that.
What's the definition of "apathy"? Who cares?
What's the definition of "apologetic"? I'm sorry you have to ask me that.
What's the definition of "argumentative"? Are you looking for a fight?
What's the definition of "authoritarian"? I'll tell you when to ask!
What's the definition of "bigotry"? I'm not going to tell someone like you.
What's the definition of "blasphemous"? Goddammit, I told you not to ask!
What's the definition of "compulsive"? I have to tell you, RIGHT NOW!!!
What's the definition of "conditional"? Well, it depends.
What's the definition of "damning"? You and your questions can go to Hell!
What's the definition of "depressed"? You would have to ask me that.
What's the definition of "dyslexic"? Gniees sdrawkcab.
What's the definition of "egotistical"? I'm the best person to answer that.
What's the definition of "evasive"? Have you finished your homework?
What's the definition of "exhausted"? I'm too tired to answer that question.
What's the definition of "flatulent"? That question really stinks!
What's the definition of "greedy"? What's in it for me to answer that?
What's the definition of "hemorrhoid"? You know, you're a real pain in the butt!
What's the definition of "hostility"? I'll kill you if you ask me again!
What's the definition of "hypochondriacal"? Don't make me sick.
What's the definition of "ignorance"? I don't know.
What's the definition of "indifference"? It doesn't matter.
What's the definition of "influenza"? You've got to be sick to ask that.
What's the definition of "insecure"? I don't think I want to know.
What's the definition of "insensitive"? I don't care if you don't know.
What's the definition of "insomnia"? I was up all night thinking about it.
What's the definition of "intoxicated"? Buuuuuuuuuuurrrrrp!
What's the definition of "irreverent"? I swear to God, you're asking again?
What's the definition of "masturbation"? I can single-handedly answer that.
What's the definition of "narcissism"? Wouldn't it be great of me to tell you?
What's the definition of "nausea"? Don't make me vomit.
What's the definition of "nonchalant"? It's not important.
What's the definition of "obstinate"? I'm not going to tell you.
What's the definition of "oversensitive"? How could you ask me that?
What's the definition of "paranoid"? You think I don't know, don't you?
What's the definition of "pessimistic"? I'm probably wrong.
What's the definition of "procrastination"? I'll tell you tomorrow.
What's the definition of "repetitive"? I've already told you.
What's the definition of "sarcastic"? That's a stupid question.
What's the definition of "secretive"? I can't tell you right now.
What's the definition of "self-centered"? I know, and that's all that matters.
What's the definition of "senile"? When I was your age, we couldn't ask!
What's the definition of "subjective"? It's all in how you look at it.
What's the definition of "suspicious"? Why do you ask?
What's the definition of "tempermental"? What the heck do you want to know for?
What's the difference between New Age and Neo-Pagan? About $500 a weekend.
What's the good of being grown-up if you can't be childish?
What's the point in having a reputation if it's a good one?
What's the use of being cool if you can't wear a sombrero?
What's vanilla, vanilla, and vanilla? Ice cream clones.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
Whatever room you want to be good in, you spend a lot of time there.
Whatever you're doing, it's not as important as petting the cat.
When Cthulhu calls, he calls collect.
When God jumps, everyone hears about it.
When I hear the word gun, I reach for my culture!
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
When I say jump, you say 'what color?'!
When I was young, we didn't have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to concerts.
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind is pretty crowded.
When a gift is deserved, it is not a gift but a payment.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When all else fails, punt.
When all else fails, stay in character.
When asked if he had missed school lately, the boy said `Not a bit.`
When chickens get big, they lose their charm.
When colors clash, men are soon to follow.
When correctly viewed, everything is lewd.
When does summertime come to Minnesota? Last year I think it was a Tuesday.
When everything has to be right, something isn't.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When everything is outlawed, outlaws will have everything.
When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
When in doubt, WORRY!
When in doubt, cook something and eat it.
When in doubt, lead trump.
When in doubt, play for time.
When in doubt, set and turn.
When in doubt, use brute force.
When in doubt, use more thermite.
When inspiration is silent, reason tires quickly.
When it comes to beauty, I'm not just a consumer; I'm an addict.
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
When it rains, it pours.
When it's inevitable; relax and enjoy it.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.
When marriage works, it works in every room.
When one lacks a sense of awe, there will be disaster.
When opportunity knocks, open the door.
When somebody goes, usually the last person who was with them was a doctor.
When the 50 dwarves dwindled down to 8, everyone began to suspect Hungry.
When the candle shop burned down, did everyone sing "Happy Birthday"?
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When the game master smiles, it's already too late.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
When the tough get going, the weak get screwed.
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
When things just can't get any worse, they will.
When you are not looking at it, this signature is in Spanish.
When you buy a BMW, you get a mortgage, not car payments.
When you can't use personal magnetism, you settle for the velcro effect.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt -- in case heaven is like the IRS.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
When you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend.
When you want to find a Dunkin' Donuts you call a cop.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
Whenever I try to get in touch with myself, I get the answering machine.
Where does it go? It doesn't matter. Flush it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Whether or not you face the future, it happens.
Which came first -- the Navy or soap on a rope?
Which came first, the future or the past?
While I'm fumblin', am I gonna' get lucky?
Whip me; beat me; take away my charge card!
Who are we talking about? No one. Oh, it must be Tabby.
Who controls the dataflow holds society in a deathgrip.
Who died and made you Blake?
Who hired all these tacky people?
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?
Who needs an excuse to drink?
Who needs fantasy when you can have physics?
Who needs rational when your toes curl up?
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Who said the truth wasn't dangerous?
Who said things would get better?
Who says snow is happier in chunks?
Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Whoever said that money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
Whoever says money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are elves chaotic? Brownian motion.
Why are there phone bills in a country of free speech?
Why are there three spellings of the word "two"?
Why are you Earth people so parochial?
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
Why be normal?
Why bother with apathy?
Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why did Constantinople get the works? That's nobody's business but the Turks.
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do people park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?
Why do people spend years writing a novel when they can buy one for a few bucks?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do they call it a learning curve when it's so sharp and pointy?
Why do they call it the Internal Revenue Service?
Why do they call them apartments when they're all stuck together?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead before curing it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why does free love cost so much?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you wake up and smell what you're shoveling?
Why get real when artificial is so much easier to keep clean?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Why is Cleopatra so resistant to therapy? Because she's da Queen of da Nile.
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
Why is it that wrong numbers are never busy.
Why is there only ONE monopolies commission?
Why isn't the word "phonetic" spelled they way it sounds?
Why isn't there a Roman Numeral for zero?
Why reach for the musket when the custard pie will do?
Why should I grow up? This is more fun!
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
Why work for a living when you can die for art?
Why worry about tomorrow when today is so far off?
Why would anyone want data when they can have literature.
Why yes, ships are safe in harbor. However, that's NOT what ships are for!
Will you dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight?
WinErr 547: LPT1 not found; use backup... PENCIL & PAPER
Windows & Icons & Mice, OH MY!
Windows -- just another pane in the glass.
Windows will never cease.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Wise men make proverbs but fools repeat them.
Wise men rush in where fools know not to go.
Witches use brooms because Nature abhors a vaccuum.
With booze you lose; with dope you hope.
With friends like these, who needs hallucinations?
Without a past, you wouldn't have a future.
Without deviation from the norm, advance is not possible.
Without the last minute, how much would ever get done?
Without waves, there is no tide and no change.
Woman's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Women -- You can't live with 'em, and they only bruise when you beat 'em.
Women -- You can't live with 'em, and you can't burn 'em.
Women are logical; men are emotional.
Women like a man with a sense of humor.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Woof! Woof!
Wordiness -- Showing off a rotten vocabulary.
Words are for playing with; you mustn't take them seriously.
Words are just the little things we use when we don't have anything else to say.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Work is the world's easiest escape from boredom.
Work your fingers to the bone, and what do you get? Bony fingers!
Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe
Would all punsters please keep their gags in their mouths?
Would it be impolite to ask if I could be your slave for life?
Would it save you some time if I just gave up and went mad now?
Would someone please explain what "fresh on the scene" means?!?
Would that be tag team or two on one?
Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?
Wow! I could've had a V/8!
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Y'know, Louie, you and I would really work well together.
YOU can help wipe out COBOL in our lifetime.
Ya' win some; the rest leave.
Yatahey!
Yeah, but anatomy in braille is even better.
Yeah, but is her home life satisfying?
Yeah, there's a lot of stress here, but I'm not straining.
Yeah,buts are little animals that run around in the woods and procreate.
Yellow jounalism is media ochre.
Yes, but what if this weren't a rhetorical question?
Yesterday, the prescription on my eyeglasses ran out.
Yield to temptation -- it may not pass your way again.
You always find something in the last place you look.
You are better off not knowing how laws and sausages are made.
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
You are domestically inclined and will be happily married.
You are drunk. Shall I drive?
You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
You are in a cave. The ceiling is lost in haze.
You are in a crystal palace with ice walls.
You are in a maze of twisty little UNIX versions, all different.
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
You are in a twisty little passage of standards, all conflicting.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are steadfast in adversity, defiant in defeat, magnanimous in victory.
You are tricky, but never to the point of dishonesty.
You are unscrupulously dishonest, false, and deceitful.
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
You auto buy now.
You bash the Balrog -- I'll climb a tree.
You can always get laid in a sports car.
You can always improve and trust the master.
You can bring the mountain to Mohammed, but you can't make it think.
You can change a man's argument, but not his mind.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You can do plenty about the past -- You can regret; you can brood;...
You can fight the gods and still have a good time.
You can fly, but that cocoon has to go.
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant -- excepting Alice.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
You can have sex and dignity at the same time.
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
You can never achieve perfection, so you have to practice all the time.
You can still respect someone, even if you call them a fool.
You can tell I'm a carnivore; I like my meat raw.
You can't achieve the impossible unless you attempt the absurd.
You can't antagonize and influence at the same time.
You can't be a figment of my imagination; I'd have done a much better job.
You can't be late until you show up.
You can't beat a joystick with suction.
You can't change a fool into a wise man just on the wisdom of your words.
You can't depend on your eyes wehn your imagination is out of focus.
You can't do anything about anything when you're dead.
You can't dream too much; you can't do enough to make your dreams come true.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
You can't grow out of a skateboard.
You can't judge a book by its movie.
You can't push on a rope.
You can't rape the willing.
You can't sell bananas with a monkey on your back.
You can't stay ahead of the competition anymore just by being fast.
You can't straighten rust.
You can't teach an new mouse old clicks.
You can't teach people to be lazy. Either they have it or they don't.
You can't tell beforehand which side of the bread you should butter.
You cannot do it with electronic ignition; it's got to be manual.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You cannot stop trying, no matter what the odds, no matter how easy it would be.
You could be replaced by an infinite number of monkeys.
You develop a lot of muscle wrestling with temptation.
You did what? When?! WHERE?!? With a MELON??!?
You do not have mail.
You do not know how much you don't know until you know quite a lot.
You don't have to be here when you're here.
You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!
You don't know everything until you've experienced death.
You don't prune a dead tree.
You don't want it to drip into your boots, eh?
You get old, you deteriorate, and you die.
You got what everyone gets, you got a lifetime.
You gotta' connect all your pointers, or you lose things.
You gotta' think with your head, instead of your hormones sometimes.
You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
You have canine ancestry on the maternal side.
You have mail.
You have not achieved a desired status if you think you must show signs of it.
You have to admit they are cute in a window.
You have to push your luck all the time to keep it in shape.
You hoser!
You inherit being human.
You just can't figure out life graphically.
You knew the job was dangerous when you took it.
You know better than to trust a strange computer.
You know excuses only please the ones who make them.
You know it's a bad day when Suicide Prevention puts you on hold.
You know it's a bad day when the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You know it's a bad day when the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
You know it's a bad day when the sun comes up in the west.
You know it's a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
You know it's a bad day when you put both contact lenses in the same eye.
You know it's a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You know it's a bad day when your income tax refund check bounces.
You know it's a bad day when your pet rock snaps at you.
You know it's bad when the praying mantis carries a machine gun.
You know it's bad when the praying mantis studies martial arts.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
You know it's not fast food if no game card comes with it.
You know you're sexually deprived when you chew on ice and it doesn't melt.
You live and learn, or you don't live long.
You might have mail.
You narrow hope when you define it.
You never lose friends; they just change positions as you change.
You never realize you're missing something until you need it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never write; you never call; You could be dead, for all I know.
You only feel rejection when you have no pride in yourself.
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
You say that now, but try chewing a child the next time you're carsick.
You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you odd.
You should advertise!
You should be assertive, but not with me.
You simply can't get a rise out of a girl.
You stand in line around here for about 4 years.
You store data wherever you store it.
You think Oedipus had a problem. Adam was Eve's mother!!
You vill tell us vat ve vant to knoow or ve vill uzze forze.
You wanta' man, ya' gotta' get a man the way a man gets got.
You were dead, you know; you were shot and bayoneted, too...
You will be fixed up with a real bitch. (4 legs, a tail, and a cold nose)
You will be passed over in favor of an incompetent jerk.
You will be persecuted for using the ISPF editor.
You will be plauged by chronic abends.
You will gain money the old fashioned way - by earning it.
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
You will party this weekend.
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
You will write a trashy Gothic novel.
You! A Cardinal fan! Born and raised in Wrigleyville! Shame on you!
You'd have better luck trying to borrow a condom from the Pope.
You'll find I'm full of surprises.
You'll have to be nice to me. I throw up easily.
You'll never be the man your mother was.
You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home.
You're awfully picky for someone from the Twilight Zone.
You're being followed; cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You're born, you live, you die, then you ascend.
You're innocent when you dream.
You're never alone with schizophrenia.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
You're not gonna' trim MY hedge.
You're not part of the solution; you're part of the precipitate.
You're not responsible for my happiness; I am.
You're not right. You just SOUND right.
You're not the only one who thinks I don't know what I'm doing.
You're only young once. After that, you need another excuse.
You're pro-life? Good for you. NOW GO OUT AND FIND ONE!!!
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person.
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
You've got to know the rules before you break them. Otherwise, it's no fun.
You've got to stop being preoccupied with me.
You've gotta' die in creative ways.
Young people can be nostalgic, too.
Your enemies outnumber your friends by several orders of magnitude.
Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Your lucky color has faded.
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Your silliness has been noted.
Your type doesn't stay around long enough to stay your type.
Your veins are full of Cubbie blue blood.
Zero times zero is God.
Zero tolerance, infinite hypocricy.
i souport publik edekasion.
su root ; cd / ; rm -rf .
unix soit qui mal y pense
vi sucks! Why can't they implement ISPF edit on unix?
Andy Peed